Villains | Crooked Media
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April 02, 2024
Ruined with Alison Leiby and Halle Kiefer
Villains

In This Episode

Halle and Alison urge you to stay out of the basement while they ruin Villains.

Follow @ruinedpodcast on Instagram and Twitter for show updates!

Check out @theradiopoint and @crookedmedia for more original content!

 

TRANSCRIPT

 

[AD BREAK]

 

[theme music]: If scary movies give you dread. Keep you up late night in bed, here’s a podcast that will help you ease your mind. We’ll explain the plot real nicely then we’ll talk about what’s frightening, so you never have to have a spooky time. It’s Ruined.

 

Halle Kiefer: Hello. Welcome to Ruined. I’m Halle. 

 

Alison Leiby: And I’m Alison. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this is a Podcast where we ruin a horror movie just for you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just for all of you. Halle, you’re in some. Some different lighting in a different room I see than normal. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I got my orb. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, the orb is present. We love orb. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I have two. I have four orbs now. I have two orb lamps. Two paper lanterns. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. You’re a hor-ber? No.

 

Halle Kiefer: No, no no no no you’re onto something. I am in a different room I need curtains. This is my living room and it’s horrible. Sorry everyone. 

 

Alison Leiby: Curtains. Every apartment I’ve ever lived in curtains were like either never dealt with or just like years in, it was the last thing I dealt with. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I’m. I’m entering year two, and I think now is the time to really treat myself with some curtains. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. My apartment doesn’t have the kind of windows that necessitate curtains. So I’ve been lucky that I haven’t had to kind of deal with that, but. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’ll come for you. 

 

Alison Leiby: Do you have a plan or are you just like—

 

Oh, God, my plan is to call my friend Jeff and go with him to Ikea and force him to help me? That my plan is, Jeff, I would say.

 

Alison Leiby: Oh Jeff is a good plan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I all the Jeff’s I know are incredibly helpful and nice. So shout out to the Jeff’s of the world. Unless you’re evil like Jeff Dahmer. Okay, I’m not shouting him out.

 

Alison Leiby: Bezos. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I. And you know that guys, not helping you put up your curtains. He’s calling somebody, but he’s not going to put in the time that a regular Jeff. Shout out to the regular Jeff’s of the world. 

 

Alison Leiby: Way to go, regular Jeff’s. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, how are you doing? 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m good. Not a lot. I, I stepped outside on my terrace. In New York. It’s nice out today, and one of my favorite plants has started being green again after a winter of of being like, quote unquote, “dead on top,” which I consider myself— [laughs] 

 

Halle Kiefer: Old, dead on top. Live on the bottom baby. But dead on top.

 

Alison Leiby: It’s a B side from a Beyonce album. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, Lord. Yeah, that’s her Halloween, Halloween album. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh my God, a Halloween album. I would love if a pop star did a Halloween album. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, Kim Petras did a Halloween album that I loved and even a double album and then said, look, I ain’t nothing wrong with. I support Kim Petras in her pursuits. But she peaked with the Halloween album and you’re right, everyone should do one. 

 

Alison Leiby: I would love a Beyonce like a spooky Beyonce album that’s all about like, death and skulls and stuff like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s so cute. 

 

Alison Leiby: Beyonce. Get on it already.

 

Halle Kiefer: Well she’s listening. We know that she listens. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, we know she listens. So. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s also it’s it’s becoming green here in LA. It really helps. It’s been raining you know, nonstop for us. And it just, you know, you feel alive again. And, so I’m glad that things are getting a little more alive on top. 

 

Alison Leiby: Nice. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh. So we’re okay. So it’s. Oh, yeah. This is April. Sorry. 

 

Alison Leiby: We’re like, what day is it? Where are we? Who are you? [laughs] 

 

Halle Kiefer: I will say, and I hope I don’t think it’ll affect the recording, but I have had the worst brain week. ADHD, since, I mean, like, at least the last two years, it’s been horrible. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But I will say the nice thing about knowing that you have a problem with your brain is that now when it happens, it’s like, okay, this is annoying and I’m really upset, but I understand what this is and it’s not. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I know I’m going to cycle back out and I have like, you know, certain things I could do to cycle out of it, but oh my God, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: God, that sucks. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, it’s just the worst. Shout out to anyone who’s, neurodivergent or dealing with that. Just a big pain in the ass more than anything else, where it’s like I can’t just go about my day. But that being said, we’re going to, launch, the theme of this month, which is April. And of course, the theme is the spookiest theme of all six degrees of Kevin Bacon. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This is suggested to us by a listener. And do I have that listeners name pulled up? I sure don’t.

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t want to give our, you know, the name of the person. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Fair. 

 

Alison Leiby: Call or them, Em, but they are a doctor. And I do think that that is probably the biggest compliment we could get is that there’s a doctor out there listening to this and, and likes what we’re doing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. It’s like, no matter how accomplished and smart you are, you do have to go to the Taco Bell, drive through and cry while eating a bunch of Taco Bell. And this is, I think emotionally, a place the sonic version of, crying at Taco Bell. 

 

Alison Leiby: Absolutely. And she gave us last year a great theme and a lovely email. And the theme is Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Right. Which is so fun. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We thought that was great. And of course, the idea is that, this one it’s going to be the first one is going to be pretty obvious how what the connection is. But then I’m going to make Alison guess the connection of each movie this month to Kevin Bacon. And there’s no conceivable way she will ever guess any of it. But we thought it’d be a fun little game. 

 

Alison Leiby: I might be like a savant at this. You never know. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You got to be a savant at something. 

 

Alison Leiby: Something. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Keep trying to find something, girl. Now you’re a savant, I think, of stand up comedy and having long hair, I always I, I think if I had your hair, I would be it would be caught in a I’d be kind of taxi door dragged down the street. Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, it gets stuck in stuff sometimes, but pretty much so far so good safety wise. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The movie we are starting with is Villains from 2019, directed and written by Dan Berk and Robert Olsen, and it stars, among other big names. We have Bill Skarsgard, Maika Monroe from It Follows. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Jeffrey Donovan and of course, Kevin Bacon’s beloved Kyra Sedgwick. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Who. It’s just nice to see her every time I see her and she’s giving everyone in here is giving it a 102,000%, is what I would say about this film. 

 

Alison Leiby: I have a question. Have Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick been in anything together. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That’s a great question. I don’t know why—

 

Alison Leiby: I like Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is supposed to be, film and television. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Wait, what do you mean. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like. You’re measuring your distance from him by like being in something with someone who’s been in something with him. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You think Kevin Bacon hasn’t been in Kyra Sedgwick? That’s where you’re wrong, and that’s where you’re wrong.

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, I stand corrected, but. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, they met. Apparently they met. Excuse me. Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: I assume they’re both. They’ve both been in the industry for so long. I assume they’ve done something together. But I’m just curious what it is. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They met on the set of PBS show Lemon Sky, which is an adorable name. 

 

Alison Leiby: That is really cute. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And, that’s. 

 

Alison Leiby: What if it’s like a horrific drama about the darkest thing you’ve ever heard of? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, they will definitely have to do it. In which case, I guess we could use Kyra’s. No, I would say we could use Kyra’s Sedgwick for multiple movies, but we could use her for all of them, because no one cares. This is a made up thing that we decided to do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Yes, yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So apparently. Oh. But apparently they did meet earlier when he was in Off-Broadway play called Getting Out, and she met when her brother came up to him, as a fan, and she was 12 years old. She, of course, remembers meeting him because he was already Kevin Bacon, and he doesn’t remember her because she was a 12 year old, which is good. We don’t want him to remember a 12 year old. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. How old was he? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Let’s see. 

 

Alison Leiby: What’s their age difference. I don’t want to hear it because I like both of them a lot. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No no, no. What are we. No. Nothing untoward happened. Let me see. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. It’s like that’s a weird intersection of their lives. But they met later doing work together. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay. Seven years. So he was 19. She was 12. They met later on. That seems okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s fine. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they’re allowed to stay married? Okay. We’ll allow it.

 

Alison Leiby: We’ll allow it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then Lemon Sky. Oh, is based on a play. Oh, so it’s a play that makes sense, they met doing theater. 

 

Alison Leiby: Theater people. Yeah. I love it.

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, that’s so sweet. Okay, well, we support them and we celebrate them. And, they met during, rehearsals and then got married. Not too well, I guess, actually, a number of years later. Anyways, so that’s their relationship. Thanks for letting us run down Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick’s relationship, which we love and we want them to flourish. 

 

Alison Leiby: We support. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And, the connection here, you’re right. Is not simply that they have been in love for decades and, have done work together, but in this case, Kyra Sedgwick is in it and she is playing one of the aforementioned villains. Couldn’t be happier to see her. And again, some wild turns and wild decisions made in this movie. So let us begin. Ruining Villains. Alison. We always like to have her watch the trailer. What did you think of the Villains trailer? 

 

Alison Leiby: I like the premise. Like, I like I like, wear it like, I like kind of. I always enjoyed that kind of twist of, like, people who are. I mean, in this trailer, they even say, like, I bet you’re on the lam. And it’s like people who you think are going to be are the bad people because they’re on the run from something, or they break in somewhere and then it’s like, oh, but the people who were living there are worse. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, absolutely. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s like a very fun kind of setup, I think. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, we’ve had it. We’ve done a couple times, obviously we did Barbarian. We did. I believe we did. Don’t Breathe. We’re sort of a reverse, home invasion gone wrong for the invaders. 

 

Alison Leiby: Think so? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. If not, we will do it. I fucking love Don’t Breathe. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like, who could know what we’ve done? Us.

 

Halle Kiefer: I guess I’ll Google Ruined. Don’t Breathe and see if there’s an episode. Sorry, guys. That’s where I’m at. 

 

Alison Leiby: Googling our own podcast and movie names to see if we’ve done movies. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know where we’re at? 

 

Alison Leiby: Just top notch professionalism at all times. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, well. Oh yeah. No, no, we do it with Pia Glenn. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh yes yes yes yes yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Shout out to Pia, love her, friend of the pod. Yes we did that one. So again like, a great premise, a terrifying premise to to both assert the home invasion, a scary premise, and then to subvert it plot wise. Great. And then I guess I would say. How scary do you find the concept, Alison? Of finding a child chained up in somebody’s basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: Boy, I think that’s very scary. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’d say top five for me, maybe the top three. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. I mean. Yeah. I don’t like it. Also like the vibes of the child from the trailer. Not great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, you know, that’s I mean, that’s I mean, look, the child is. It’s not their fault. The vibes are off. I think for most part, but the vibes are bad. 

 

Alison Leiby: The vibes are bad. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I think it just invites so many questions about the the homeowner, you know, that. Like, then you as the person finding this out. Yes. Then have to grapple with. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Also, if you’re finding this out, you’re probably in the basement. Bad place to be. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Absolutely. You’re very you’re like, oh, no, I thought I was here for something that I was doing that was wrong. And in fact, there’s something much more wrong happening. 

 

Alison Leiby: Much more wrong. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then, of course, would you like to guess the twist in villains? Alison. 

 

[voice over]: Guess the twist. 

 

Alison Leiby: Would you say that there is a twist beyond them showing up at the house and find. And the child in the basement? Like, is that is there a twist beyond that? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I wouldn’t call it a twist. I would say that I will ask this question and it is very intentionally vague. So just blue sky at what’s going on in that house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, okay. I think that that child, they kidnaped, it’s not their child. But. The being in the basement. The child is a forever child. Like it’s not growing like it’s like going to be a child forever. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay. Love it. Perfect

 

Alison Leiby: And that’s like a permanent situation they’ve got going on there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Great. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like I not not just like there’s someone in the basement. It’s like a forever child is in the basement. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison, that’s a phenomenal guess. You are better at this every week, even though we do forget everything that ever happens to us. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, like an hour and a half from now. If you were like, what happened in that movie, I’d be like. I don’t know

 

Halle Kiefer: And I don’t want you to know. 

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t want to know either. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I don’t know. All right, let us begin ruining 2019’s Villain. [clears throat] We hear a voiceover, a man and a woman. That is Mickey and Jules, played by, of course, Bill Skarsgard and, Maika Monroe. So if you want to create the visual. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Bill Skarsgard’s big old eyes looking at you. And he says, do you mind if I’m the pigeon again? And Jules says, yeah, I sure. Sorry. I’m just nervous. The guy says, don’t worry, just think about Florida. And we sort of get these shots of Florida, the beaches, and it sort of that the footage of Florida is like 50s, you know, like something you’d find in your parents basement, like, childhood vacation, the breeze in your face. We’re going to make it to Florida. And she says, this is the last one, right? He says, yes. Cut to Mickey or sorry, Mickey and Jules busting into a gas station to rob it. She’s wearing a rubber unicorn mask. He has a rubber pigeon mask. The cashier passes out, which is what I would do if that happened to me. I would immediately lose consciousness. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, if somebody walked in, was like, are they armed? 

 

Halle Kiefer: They are armed. Yes. Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: If somebody armed, like somebody armed and a in a rubber pigeon had walked in, I’d be like, this is above my pay grade. I’m going to check out conscious wise. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Yes, we have, Mickey has a gun and Jules has a crowbar. So yes, I absolutely would just go ahead, lose consciousness just to get the hell out of there. There’s also a customer. The customer hits the deck. They are basically, they have to. They couldn’t figure out how to open up the cash register. So there’s a bit of a goofy moment where they realize they have to scan like a candy bar to open it, but finally they do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, well, now you get a candy bar. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And a candy bar.

 

Alison Leiby: Are like, that’s what they were like, we have to pay for this. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, this is so embarrassing. Oh, yeah. And she. As they leave Jules screams to the customer, you didn’t see shit. They immediately get in the car, and they’re kind of high off the adrenaline of robbing another gas station. Jules, of course, wants to pull over and fuck on the side of the road. They’re also in the middle of nowhere. Again, whenever I see something like this. It looks like it was shot in New York State, so. But any East coast like rural area. So I’m thinking, like, how much money did that gas station even have? This is not. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: A frequent like a city gas station. People are in and out all the time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Also like, places have cash less and less. These days. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. That’s a really good point. [both speaking] Yeah. And this is 2019. So you got to imagine. But that being said, I will say there are a lot of things that suggest Jules and Mickey are perhaps not the two smart. The two sharpest tools in the shed as Smash Mouth would have Smash Mouth would have put it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Stands to reason. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But of course they, they’re riding off the high of like, no, we can’t pull over. We have to get distance between us and the gas station. We just robbed a gas station. But Jules decides, okay, if we’re not going to pull over to fuck, I’m going to go and give you road head. She goes to give him road head and it’s. It’s only then that Mickey realizes that they’re out of gas. Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: You were just at a gas station. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just at a gas station? Guys, think about it. Okay? 

 

Alison Leiby: As long as you’re there. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she woul—

 

Alison Leiby: Get gas first and then don’t pay for it and then rob the place, like, what are you doing? 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she even says, like. But we were just at the gas station, and it’s like, as an audience member, I’m like, yeah, you really were. You just were guys. You blew it, okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, it does a lot to set up like, the characters. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. Yeah. Immediately I wrote, I hate both of these numskulls. I was like, these are dummies that we’re going to try to see get into a different situation where they’re also being dumb. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So they’re sort of like literally they’re on E! This isn’t even like, oh, we’re almost out of gas. This is the car. I slowed to a stop on a rural road. And so they’re sort of panicking. And he said, okay, we’ll just have to get out and walk until you find another car. They of course, immediately start fighting because that’s what you’re a couple the best thing to do when it’s you’ve both made us do a mistake, is to turn on each other and start arguing. 

 

Alison Leiby: Absolutely. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Mickey gets out. He sort of storms off the car and she says get back over here. And she makes him sit down on the road to calm down. Which I found repellent, but I get, I allow it. These are two people. They’re on the lam. They’re not making the best decisions. They’re sitting on the road. And she says, do you know what you need a car wash. So she has, make you lie down on the ground and straddle’s him. And I’m like, oh, they get a fuck in the street. Because again, that would at least they would tell us more about the characters, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Instead, she leans over him and creates a curtain with her hair and sort of like car washes it like sweeps across, you know what I mean? Like you do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And we see a shot of them peering at each other in her curtain of hair, and she tells him, I love you. And he says, very Han Solo, I know. But they get off. They still. The problem is the car is broken right now and they can’t go back to the gas station. And they are in a rural part of New York. So where are they going to go, Alison? Luckily they see a mailbox. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, good. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They go up to this house every a beautiful, I would say stately 90s, two story home. Beautiful, but not modern. You know, they immediately run in the house and try to start breaking in. Instantly Mickey tries to pick the lock and he eventually does pick the lock on the front door. He’s an incredible lock picker and but however, when they tried to open it, they realized it’s dead bolted from the inside. He says who deadbolts their doors we’re in the middle of nowhere. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, because of people like you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And it also. That’s a good question, Mickey. You should maybe have thought about that before you proceed on breaking into this house. Why would someone have a deadbolt on the door?

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, seems like there’s something in there they don’t want getting out or in.

 

Halle Kiefer: You dumbass. Eventually they take the crowbar because luckily they still have the crowbar and they break in the front door and they’re able to force the front door open through the deadbolt. They start casing the joint and it the inside is this beautiful, like orange and yellow 1970s wood paneled dream. I grew up with wood paneling. I wouldn’t hate if it came back. I love those colors. I love that very warm. Like there’s too much, right? Like there’s like an orange patterned wallpaper with an orange, photo, and then a yellow lamp with a brown, like, it’s it’s that color palette. Very satisfying. But again, very out of time. Like, they look like, you know, it’s 2019. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’re stepping into a. 

 

Alison Leiby: 70s living room. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Perhaps people who have not perhaps moved on since the 70s is sort of the vibe we’re getting. They’re perhaps living in their minds in the 70s. Mickey goes through the family’s office. They’re looking for the keys to the cars. So their plan is they’re going to steal this car. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The people’s car and then abandon their car and keep on going to, of course, Florida. The dream of dreams. He finds a camcorder, but he he’s not looking at it. He just kind of tosses over his shoulder and it falls. And when it does, it turns on. So we see what’s playing on it, and it’s playing footage of a different couple, not them tied to chairs, gagged, of course, trying to escape while a baby cries in the background. And someone with a cleaver steps in front of the camera. 

 

Alison Leiby: But he’s not seeing it. Just like we’re seeing this playing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We’re seeing it. And I think the movie is playing a lot of like, we know so much. So the whole time you’re like, you guys are being idiots. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We like as soon as we see it, it’s like, well, you got to get out of the house. So whoever recorded, not only did they do this, they recorded it for later. That’s not good. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Instead Jules is in the kitchen and pours herself a bowl of Wheat Thins. 

 

Alison Leiby: I do not like Wheat Thins. I know that’s controversial. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I do, I think I grew up with them. I think it’s like it just, they’re really hard and, like scratch your mouth.

 

Alison Leiby: I like the texture of them, but I find them way too sweet. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, you can get them without the frosting. And I think we’re of the age where maybe that’s what we should do. 

 

Alison Leiby: Frosting? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Isn’t that what a Wheat Thin is, it has frosting on it? Or am I thinking of something else. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh Frosted Mini Wheats. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, I think she’s eating Frosted Mini Wheats.

 

Alison Leiby: I think. I like a frosted mini wheat as a as a cereal. I had them when I was younger. I don’t like Wheat Thin crackers.

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh yes, sir. I’m thinking of Wheat— Yeah, she’s not eating a bowl of Wheat Thins with milk.

 

Alison Leiby: I was like, uh [both speaking] but people like them. I’m a I grew up in a Triscuit house. I mean, that’s just so. Yes, of course, the Frosted Mini Wheat appeals to me because I like eating something that feels like a bale of hay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I do feel like the 90s was every family. It was like a certain cracker, I would say we were a Saltine and an oyster cracker to put in soup, but when we got Ritz, there’s no one could touch a Ritz cracker. That is the pinnacle of human invention to me. 

 

Alison Leiby: We weren’t a Ritz house, we were a Triscuit house. And we were, like those small round rice crackers. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, okay. Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Big rice cracker house. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I love how my mouth is watering just for the concept of crackers. 

 

Alison Leiby: I would do anything for crackers right now I have Triscuits, like, ten feet away from me. And it’s just like, all I can do to get through this episode so I could eat them. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You can eat them now. I’m not going to. I won’t be mad, I get it.

 

Alison Leiby: I will never eat a Triscuit on mic. That is truly a crime. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We have agreed that I have it sometimes thought maybe when you’re talking, can I take a bite of food? But I haven’t done it. 

 

Alison Leiby: You can’t. It’s like every time I hear it’s like TikTok is just people chewing while telling a story. And it ruins my day. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, my God, did you. I’m sorry to. Sorry, everyone, but did you see the, state of the Union? 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, I saw, like, clips of the that psychos rebuttal. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I she’s like, hey there. She literally is like, breathing and huffing and it’s like. And America needs. It’s like, why you didn’t know her. And that is the Republican Party truly is like, the only thing that the left has is that they are all such insane freaks that, like everyone else in the room, was also like, that was great. Like everyone giving her feedback is also insane. So it’s—

 

Alison Leiby: That was insane.

 

Halle Kiefer: Like 110% like you’re like, they got like they create like a echo chamber of insanity. But yeah, it’s like we get a glimpse into what they think is normal and it’s always the most upset. It basically it’s being in this house from this movie. It’s like they live in this house. 

 

Alison Leiby: 100%. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Uh oh. Something that’s happening in here.  Yes. Katie. Senator. Katie Britt. Good luck girl. So, no, she’s eating Frosted Mini Wheats, like you said. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. Much better. Though without milk. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No, she does find milk. Sorry. Yeah, she she goes to the fridge gets milk.

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t think I’d trust milk in a house. I just bust into.

 

Halle Kiefer: Again these are some dumb dumbs. 

 

Alison Leiby: They are stupid. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They are dumb as hell. They’re doing dumb stuff. And then, Jules goes, is eating her cereal? And of course, Mickey storms back and it’s like, what kind of family doesn’t have a spare set of keys of their car. It’s like, well, again, you’re breaking in, you can’t expect to just have them anywhere. And then Jules is eating her Frosted Mini Wheats and then says, ew, they’re stale and then throws the bowl behind her over the couch. And I wrote, oh, this is Dumb and Dumber. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like, this is not like even a normal. Like I throw it on the fucking carpet. Fuck these people we’re going to trash this place this is really like. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like ugh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They ponder what to do, and Jules says like, oh, I think we need a creative boost. Luckily, she brought her bag, which is like a white bowling bag, and they open it and it is filled to the brim, but filled with pills, powders, just any kind of drug you want. And, they lay out some lines of what I’m assuming is cocaine. They do cocaine. And then Mickey immediately goes, oh, we’ll just siphon, siphon the gas in their car, put it out. Get out of here. Go to Florida. Jules is like, you’re so fucking smart, baby. And then immediately tries to start fucking him. And he’s like, no, I want to fuck all over this place. This place too. But we have to get back the car before it gets towed. We just need to find a hose. Alison, they’re on a hunt for a hose. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, because it’s just on the side of the road. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, but again, I’m like, you just left it. It’s the middle of nowhere. I think you might have a minute, but I get the point. We’ll siphon their gas, we’ll get it, and then we’ll leave. But where do you think someone might have a hose, Alison? Well, they go to the first place, which is, of course, the basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It is a very classic, like, you know, Barbarian style. Open the door and just see a black void. Where you’re like, well, why don’t you go down? No, no. Why don’t you go down? And so they go down together as they descend, both of them nose, they hold their noses because the basement stinks. 

 

Alison Leiby: Basements tend to do that even without stuff going on. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. They descend the stairs, much like you said. The place is packed with old boxes, so it’s like, oh my God, these people must be hoarders. They’re probably a lot of mold down here. That’s what we’re smelling. It’s pitch dark in there. He finds a flashlight. There’s suddenly music startles Mickey, and it’s one of those dancing Billy bass fish, which we all recall and love. He turns around at the sound of music to see Jules riding a tricycle out of the darkness. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay, Jigsaw. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she’s like, he’s like, I’m gonna need you to stop doing that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. That’s awful. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she’s like, it’s just full of boxes. It’s full of junk. There’s no way we’re going to find a hose. Like there’s no way we could do that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Let’s just get out of here. Let’s just go. But when she steps towards him, Mickey sees a figure standing behind her in the darkness. Alison. And they both scream and whip around. He shines the beam of light, and it is, unfortunately, a little girl. I’m gonna say between 8 and 10. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Face filthy. Standing in the darkness. In, like, a little matching, like thermal pajama set. And she is chained with a heavy chain and padlock to a pole. In the basement. Yeah.

 

Alison Leiby: That’s tough. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Jules says like, immediately, like, are you okay? Is this your house? And Mickey says, we don’t we don’t need to know any of that. This is not our problem. We broke into this house. We should just go. 

 

Alison Leiby: This is your problem now. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Jules is horrified. Was like, well, we can’t leave a little girl chained in a basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He says, you’re right. Let’s just save her. We’ll figure this out. There’s nothing wrong with a little good karma after that shit we’ve done, you know. And so he looks at the lock. But it’s like heavy duty. He’s like, I can’t pick it. But if we could find something we probably saw through the pole. It’s not like a structural pole. We could just get the chain free and we’ll take her and we’ll take her. Drop her off somewhere. So now they have to find something to saw through the pole Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like you can’t find a hose. You’re going to find a pole like a saw?

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. They’re rummaging. They go up to the kitchen. As if there’s going to be a knife to cut through the pole. But again, I guess we’re supposed to think they’re fucking stupid and they’re sawing. They’re going through drawers. And Mickey’s like, you know, they’re only butter knifes in here. There’s no actual knives. Like, do these people, like not eat steak. Meanwhile, Jules looks at. There’s a bowl of fruit on the counter and she sees that the fruit is fake. She’s like, that’s weird, Alison. They both turn around to meet the homeowners, Gloria and George, as well as a baby that’s in Gloria’s arms who are standing, looking horrified. And of course, Gloria is Kyra Sedgwick and George is Jeffrey Donovan. And they are also dressed like it’s the 70s. Immaculate clothes, beautiful. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But of a different era, perfectly preserved. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They are also, you know, of the ages they are now. You know what I mean. They’re not playing younger. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: They look like they’ve been frozen in time. Mickey pulls the gun that they have from the, gas station. George immediately says, we have money. We have jewelry. Take whatever you want. Please. Just take it and leave me and my wife alone. And Jules says, we don’t want your money. We want to know why you have a little girl chained up in your basement. And George goes. Oh. Oh my stars and garters. That’s just our Sweetie Pie. She’s been acting out in school. That’s how we discipline her. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Jules is like, this is not—

 

Alison Leiby: Best case scenario that’s true. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. [laughs] And it’s so true. And he lives a life. They live a life in which other. They say this freely, as if there are other people in their lives. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. That accept it.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah of course. That’s how you discipline. You chain her up in the basement, dark and alone when you’re not home. Jules, of course, says that’s not how you discipline a child. We’re taking her someplace safe. And then Mickey’s like, yeah, we’re taking the car, too, because of the car thing. George says, look, I don’t think we. I think we can come to an agreement. How about that. How? Let’s sit down for a glass of scotch so we could talk about this. So they do. No.

 

Alison Leiby: Not drinking with the people who have a chained up child. And I tried just to break into their home. Like, I’m like, neither of us should be here. [laughs]

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. But again, I guess we’re thinking Jules and Mickey, they’re on their own journey. They’re maybe not making the best choices. They do. Sit down. Mickey still has the gun. And even though Jules does point out, like we should just be taking this girl and getting the fuck out of here. But to convince them to you know he convinces them to let them talk. And George tells them a story. He says, you know, I’m a salesman. Door to door. Or I was. And you know why? I was a good salesman? My two eyes I could take in anyone’s home before they even spoke. They opened the door. What do I see? A dog leash, okay, I see children’s coats. I could see family photos. I could immediately read someone before they even talk. 

 

Alison Leiby: Also anyone could do that.

 

Halle Kiefer: Right exactly. But I guess that is part of salesmanship, which I—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, being aware and taking in details, I guess. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He says, I see both of you and I could tell you don’t work for Child Protective Services, right? I also saw that broken down car, and my door was broken open so I could assume you’re on the lam. You have committed some crime, and you’ve broken in here and stumbled upon my family. Let’s just say you stole our car and we don’t call the police for, I don’t know, 48 hours. Maybe we don’t even notice. Well, in that case, I feel like that’d be fine. But if you stole our daughter, we’d have to call the police right away. And then, you know, whatever you’ve done, you’d be implicated, too. 

 

Alison Leiby: Sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And Jules and Mickey are like well, we do want to go to Florida as previously established. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. I would just, like, steal the car and leave. Well, I’m sure we’re getting to. What would you do, so.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Of course. And George says, listen, let’s not sit here and tell me you didn’t wish you never went down those stairs. So let’s just pretend you never did. Also, Jeffrey Donovan is doing, like, at certain points, but what is going into a full, Cajun accent? Like, he’s. He has a southern accent. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh, sure. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Going. I guarantee he is, from Massachusetts. I don’t say he’s ever spent any time, in Nola, but it’s I he everyone is giving again. Like they’re chewing the scenery, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so, you know, they’re sort of thinking about this. And he said, how much easier was would this have been if you just broken in and found the keys right near the door? But let’s just pretend that is what happened. And that’s what the police will hear, and you don’t have to worry about it. Did I read the the room successfully, you know, and Mickey says wow, like you. That’s dead on, you know. And then he also introduces like I’m Mickey, this is Jules. George introduced himself and Gloria and Mickey’s like, that was really great—

 

Alison Leiby: Your real names?

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl. I believe me, everything this couple does, I’m like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, it’s like, look, we’re idiots and would just melt into a puddle in the face of any confrontation, let alone like actual horrors. But I think, like, we would both know. How to handle this slightly better than they are so far. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, I would faint immediately. Like a fainting goat. But Mickey said that was really incredible. Can I try to read you? Okay. Let’s see. Your clothes are great. There’s not a spot on them. They’re clearly older, but they’re really well maintained. This is a beautiful house. Put this together. You clearly have some money. But if you have money, then what the fuck is that? And he points, it is an ancient tube TV. Like the kind that’s built into a cabinet. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He’s like, I don’t think you guys watch a lot of TV based on this, which I personally find very weird. But the weirdest thing that leaps out to me is there’s a little girl chained up in the basement. So you’re going to go unlock her, and we’re going to take her with us, because there’s no way you would call the cops on us, because they would find out that you were a psychopath with a little girl locked up in his basement, which I thought was a fair assessment. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I like the chutzpah. Like, it’s like real, like to be like. All right, I’ll call on you on, like, not to just be like we’ll just take the keys and go. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And there’s something where it’s like, we robbed some gas stations. You have a child chained up in your basement. You call the cops all you want, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Cut to George’s in the basement with them. We see him unlocking the lock around the child’s ankle. He calls her Sweetie Pie he’s like. I’m so sorry, Sweetie Pie. I’m sorry daddy has to do this. I will always love you. And he sort of pushes her towards Mickey and Jules, and Mickey, like, calls to her like he’d call her a dog. Here. I’m just gonna flag this. We’re going to talk more at the end. There’s another element that you’re not I. It’s hard for me to, capture. And that is the music in this movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because if there is suspenseful music at this moment, you would understand. Like be like, I get this. This is a moment of tension. What’s going to happen? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The music in this movie, the music that comes to mind is Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  

 

Alison Leiby: It is goofin. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Cheerful caper music. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I as a viewer, I’m like, okay, so I’m looking at a filthy little girl chained up in a basement. And then also the music is like a little bit like, buh buh buh, I’m like, where are we going with us? Right. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s so weird.

 

Halle Kiefer: So keep in mind as you’re listening, that the music is like comedy music. Right. Which again, makes these seeds. I think maybe that’s maybe it’s supposed to be destabilizing, but then it’s generally like, I don’t understand where I’m supposed to be taking from this, right. 

 

Alison Leiby: And like, what am I supposed to be feeling watching this? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. But assuming that is the intent, we see Mickey sort of approach the girl and put his hand on her shoulder, tell like, we’re going to get out of here, we’re going to eat a hamburger. Have you ever even had a hamburger before? And the girl turns and bites Mickey’s hand. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And in the chaos—

 

Alison Leiby: A handburger.

 

Halle Kiefer: A hand, if you will. 

 

Alison Leiby: I will. 

 

Halle Kiefer: In the chaos, George steps forward and just headbutts Mickey so hard he passes out and as he passes out, he of course sees flashes of Florida. You know, a beautiful. It might as well be heaven. You know, we see Florida like this, and we hear Gloria and George talking in voice over and we hear Gloria said, I think that this was meant to happen. This is fated. And George says, well, honey, I don’t even know if you can. I mean, I don’t know if it can happen. And Gloria says, I know I still can. Please, George. George says, all right. If it puts a smile on your face, then it’s worth a shot. Alison Mickey wakes up its morning to find himself handcuffed to a bed, to a metal bed frame, in an upstairs bedroom, with both hands handcuffed. And we see this amazing, like, peacock painted folding screen. Like like a like you divide like a room divider. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Yeah, like a dress. Like you get dressed behind it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. I want there’s no place I would have to put it, but it’s like—

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t have room or any need for that. Like. Yes. You know, I don’t need to like, hide from Rizz. But like, I love the look of those and, like, kind of like a big room with, like, lots of plants around. And then there’s just this beautiful screen. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And you have, like, a silk robe over it. You have like, like a lot like your negligee. Like, it’s it is like, oh, what I want like my mind of, like an adult woman. It’s like—

 

Alison Leiby: It’s the sexiest thing ever. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Of course. It’s so good. So she’s getting ready behind it. Obviously, we sort of see her moving behind like the, you know, the spaces between the, the segments. And he, of course, is immediately like, oh, okay. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Not great. He says, Where’s Jules? And again, still behind the screen, Gloria says, don’t worry your bell is safe and sound, but if you ever want to see her again, you’re gonna have to be a good boy. And we sort of see glimpses of her. He’s panicking, as you would, handcuffed to a bedroom in a stranger’s house. And Gloria says all you have to do is relax and I’ll take you to a special place. A place for just the two of us. She says, you know, George wanted to put you down, but I said, absolutely not. He says, okay, I’m not exactly sure what the fuck you’re talking about, but if you don’t let us go and we see Gloria’s hand, reach over to a wig stand and pick up her wig. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s kind of fun. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she just starts laughing maniacally. Alison, I got to ask you at this point, what would you do? 

 

[voice over]: What would you do? 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, I would have gone back in time and just taken the car keys and taken the car. And then once I was in Florida, called the police and been like, there’s a house you should go see. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right call, drive 15 minutes to the next house. Like, it’s like this is one random house you find other house. I’m sure they will let you call 911. You know, or like, just be like, I’ll stand outside your house. Just call 911, before something horrible happens like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, yeah—

 

Halle Kiefer: But let’s say you’ve made the mistakes you made. What would you do now? 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean. I guess. See where it’s going. Like, what if you’re like handcuffed, and like, there’s just not a lot of options if you’re handcuffed. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. That’s the yeah, that is the problem. And that of course is sort of an inescapable issue. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

[AD BREAK]

 

Halle Kiefer: So we have oh meanwhile. And then we see in the basement, Sweetie Pie is there. And then Jules is there and she’s been handcuffed, so her legs are loose. I don’t know why I put it like that. Her legs loose and she’s handcuffed, and she starts, like, berating Sweetie Pie, and it’s like, girl, as far as we can tell, this is a child who seems like she’s been here a long time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She’s like, why did you do that? Like, why didn’t you let us help you? Fucking answer me. It’s like you are stupid. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, this is not—

 

Halle Kiefer: This is a child. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like a straightforward situation either, like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. I’m sure she’s like, I don’t know, I. I’m terrified. I live in the basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: I don’t know who you are. You could be worse than them.

 

Halle Kiefer: Right? Like, what are you talking at? Right? Oh, you think those people don’t keep bringing down a couple for me. Like it’s like that seems like if I’m a kid, I’m like, okay, great. Great. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like new, terrifying characters to go live with or something, you know? Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, exactly. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m on Sweetie Pie’s side somehow. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Sweetie Pie, 100%. Sweetie Pie, of course, doesn’t answer. Well, she is non-verbal, as far as we can tell. Upstairs. Well, Gloria is going to seduce Mickey whether he likes it or not. And we see Kyra Sedgwick’s outfit, which looks like an old timey, like bordello owner. Like it sort of has, like, a purple short sleeve button up jacket, like a buttoned jacket. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: With long purple gloves over the elbow and like, c-nty little black bob.

 

Alison Leiby: It’s all very c-nt.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And so again, we appreciate we love, you know, the effort putting into seduction. Not in this case, but she looks great. And she puts on a record player and puts on the [?] of Mallory Sands, Just Like the Big Girls Do. Not a song for romance, if you ask me, but. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She then sort of starts to do, like a strip tease, and she pulls off her purple jacket, revealing a black bustier that sort of connects to, like, I don’t know if would call with, like, ruffled, underwear. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I don’t like it’s not knickers, but like, there’s, like, it’s in that family. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The knicker family. 

 

Alison Leiby: The knicker family of underwear. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So she’s got, like, black. 

 

Alison Leiby: Bloomers? 

 

Halle Kiefer: No. Bloomers. No.

 

Alison Leiby: I know what ruffled underwear you’re talking about, but I don’t know the word.

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s something we’ve all seen but don’t know what they are or what era they’re on. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, you could be like, that’s actually from the 60s. And I’d be like, oh, sure. And you could be like, that’s from the 1890s and I’d be like, mm hmm, yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. It kind of has like a little, like poof in the back, like a little short, like, tulle skirt, sort of. Well, unfortunately, she takes off her little jack and she takes off the over skirt. So she’s in sort of just the full lingerie fantasy moment and, well, Gloria goes over to Mickey and sits down next to him and says—

 

[clip of Kyra Sedgwick]: You know, you’re really not supposed to see mommy like this. But sometimes mommy can’t help. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like Alison I am not in the mood for this. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. Not mommy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We see Gloria run her finger down his body and put her hand on his dick. And when she realizes it’s not hard because understandably. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The panic and the sexual assault that’s about to happen to him. She’s aghast. She’s so mad that he’s not hard. And she says, you don’t think I’m pretty? After everything I’ve done for you, I made the whole room nice for you. I did my dance for you. Oh, that’s meanwhile he’s like, oh, no. And she stands up. And Gloria slaps mom across the face and says, you’re a bad boy. And she starts strangling him, telling him I could take everything from you right now. 

 

Alison Leiby: Kind of be like, just do it then. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Just do it. I don’t want it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Whatever comes after this doesn’t feel like something I want to be a part of. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, yeah. Take me out, then. You have fun. You know what I mean? As long as I’m dead. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But unfortunately for him, at that moment, she drops her hands from his throat. She says. But the thing is, I. I don’t want to do that. I only wish to give you the the greatest of pleasures to make something beautiful together. And if you don’t want that. Well, she storms out. Alison night falls, which is the second night they will be here, and we see in the basement. Like Sweetie Pie has her hands free. She just chained to the pole with her by her ankles. So she’s, like, playing with, like, a plastic horse. And Jules tells the story of her childhood, and I think she’s sort of empathizing with Sweetie Pie. She says, you know me. You. Me and my sister used to have a plastic horse, and we started. You know, I remember we actually broke off one of the little pink legs, and I she was crying, and I told Mom and Dad I’d go tell Mom and Dad to fix it. But when I went there, they they weren’t in the room, and they weren’t in the living room. But it was Saturday, so I just poured a cereal and we just watch cartoons. I just thought they went to the grocery store or the doctor’s office or wherever you know.

 

Alison Leiby: Parents, adults go. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And the must have been gone for about a week. But then we ran out of cereal. Upstairs. We see Gloria now with Mickey again. She’s now in a blond wig. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: All the wigs are great.

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I love, like, some wig work. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, and she’s showing Mickey a photos of her and George as when they were young, you know, they got together seemingly 18, 19, she has a photo of her years ago, also holding a baby in her arms. And she’s like, oh, that’s Ethan. Ethan. I think it’s like, oh, your son. So what’s he up to these days? You don’t think like, oh, an adult who might be coming to the house at some point? Like, where is he at? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Is he part of this or is he. Yeah, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And where he goes. Oh, he’s asleep in his crib. Mickey’s like. Okay, great. Great. Good to hear it. Gloria points to a photo of her and a younger George, and they’re standing at together. She’s like kissing his cheek while he’s taking a, flash photo of them in a bedroom mirror. And she says, you know, we met. George told me the two of us are at all that’s real in the whole world. The rest of is just cardboard cutouts and playthings. And Mickey goes, that’s awesome. Which I do think is very funny—

 

Alison Leiby: [laughs] That’s really good. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He’s clearly like, cool. 

 

Alison Leiby: Cool, great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You know what he’s trying to like, you know, get her to trust him. So he’s like, tell me more about your weird situation with your husband. She says, yeah. I remember one night he showed up outside my window and I was still living at daddy’s, and he asked me, do I want to run away together? And I said, yes, and that’s when I adventure began. Mickey looks at the photo again and sees the edge of the bed. In the photo, there’s what I would describe as a naked corpse arm of a man’s body. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Presumably her father. Right. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. Not great. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. From jump. It seems like this is a bit one of those bad relationships I’ve been hearing about. She tells Mickey. You know, we wanted to start a family, but our dreams of having a family never came true. But there’s still time. Meanwhile, it’s like, well, girl, you’re you’re well into your 50s. If that’s going to happen—

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah there’s not still time. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Also like it is possible. You had better be. You’re going to be spending $1 million. Going to a million doctors.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like it’s. Yeah. It’s not happening sexually. 

 

Alison Leiby: Having sex with a stranger you kidnaped and magically getting pregnant from one shot. Like that’s not happening. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, and. But Mickey, of course he’s playing. He’s played the long game here. He’s like, you know, Gloria, last night I feel like you awakened something in me. Your dance, your hair. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. It’s like you. I mean, I get the move of being like, all right, I get this woman to have sex with me. Perhaps at some point, then they let me free briefly or whatever. Like who knows. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right? I get her in her good graces. She says, well, you didn’t seem so excited about it last night. It’s like, you know, I’m a guy. It happens to me sometimes, you know, I was just was really nervous, you know? I was just so turned on. You know, sometimes I get, you know, you know, nervous. But it’s different now, I’m telling you. And I feel like we’re supposed to do this together. I feel like it was fate that brought me here. Which, of course, is what she wants to hear. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he tells her I’ll be a good boy if you give me one more chance, mommy. And that really gets her going. That gets her goat. And she leans over and they kiss, and Gloria starts kissing down his body, and we see as soon as her face is away from his her like wincing. And when she sits up in his imagination, it’s Jules. And thank God, because finally he’s hard. And don’t worry, we she checks and we see his, his dick is hard in his pants. In case you’re worried about—

 

Thank God, thank God. Because I was afraid he wouldn’t get hard. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, it’s like, right, I think it’s fair. In this movie. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I also wrote at this point. I wrote, what is this movie about? [laughs] Because I was like, oh, I guess I thought it was about the kid, but I didn’t know, like, oh yeah, but I guess for be a tie it together, it’s some other stuff. Yeah. And she feels his again, erect penis in his pants and she says. 

 

Alison Leiby: Cool. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, you are a good boy. He says, please, I need to touch you, mommy. And that’s that’s it. He was playing the long game, Alison. Of course she’s thrilled by this. She goes to undo his handcuffs, and as soon as he gets free he fucking throws her across the room like fucking punches her in the head—

 

Alison Leiby: Obviously. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Obviously. He’s able to run down the stairs and he almost gets to the front door when he hears a gunfire. It almost hits him. It hits the wall next to him who whips around and George is, standing at the top of the stairs with a gun.

 

Alison Leiby: Obviously like he’s part of this.

 

Halle Kiefer: Waiting probably with the glass at the door, excited to make sure he’s hard to fuck his weird wife. I’ve been on Feeld  seen a lot of this going on. Oh, sure. He says I’m a crack. I’m a crack shot hang on, hang on.  I guarantee, let me get in the accent. I’m a crack shot. I missed on purpose. And Mickey says, could you please just let us go? I’m sorry we interrupted whatever’s going on in here. But then they both hear Gloria sobbing, and George says, who raised you? Making a woman cry like that. 

 

Alison Leiby: But, well, there’s more going on here. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s complicated. And he says, either way, you’re a bit too spry for my liking Alison. He just shoots Mickey in the leg. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Blood sprays everywhere in the hallway. And then he drags Mickey to the basement and she handcuffs into a pole back to back with Jules. So now they’re both handcuffed to a pole separate from Sweetie Pie. Also, who has her watch all this going on. And Mickey is that also lashes out at Sweetie Pie. We get to say child chained up any fucking days. But he goes, fuck you, by the way, you didn’t have to bite me. And Jules says, leave her alone. She didn’t know what she’s doing. He says, well, how do you know? Did she talk? And Jules says, no, I just know he sort of nods at Sweetie Pie, it’s like, were you born yesterday? They’re like, so stupid. It’s insane. Meanwhile, we see their car is getting towed. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s really funny. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So in the basement, Mickey and Jules are sort of like fantasizing. They’re also. Here’s their plans for Florida. These fucking numbnuts, these fucking numskulls. Here’s their plan. They’re going to go to the beach and they’re gonna find seashells and then sell them to people on the beach. A pure profit. You know what he says, it’s pure profit. 

 

Alison Leiby: Nope. People can just get that. Like, if you can get other people can get them, like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I mean, that is the logic that I think that’s that’s why things really went south for them is that they did not think—

 

Alison Leiby: They didn’t have a plan. At least not a good one. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We hear this clicking sound and he yells at, he yells at Jules to not chew on her tongue ring. And I have seen people do this when you have like a pierced tongue and you, like, click the piercing against your teeth. He’s like, don’t do that. You’re gonna chip your enamel. And he’s like, wait a minute, your tongue ring. If you could get it off your tongue, I could use the post to pick the handcuffs. Like I could use the metal post. She’s like, it’s in my tongue and I, I my hands are—

 

Alison Leiby: How would you possibly. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So he tells her, well, you’re gonna have to do that thing where you put your basically she’s gonna he’s like, you’re gonna have to put your tongue out and then rip it out by forcing your tongue back into your mouth and use your teeth to rip the post out like it’ll rip through your tongue. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she says that’s going to hurt. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like, also, there’s no way you could, like, do that to yourself. You’d stop halfway and then you’re just bleeding out of your mouth. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So Alison, that’s what she tries to do. It. It doesn’t work. And she’s like, it’s too hard. Like my tongue is not strong enough. He says, then come on, then lean over here and I’ll do it. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no, no. If she does this. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison. 

 

Alison Leiby: No. But—

 

Halle Kiefer: I and I understand at this point. It’s like, well, what else do we get to do? 

 

Alison Leiby: Just have Sweetie Pie to undo it. She’s got her hands free. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Alison you’re dead right. They never they never even think to do that. 

 

Alison Leiby: She’s got two little baby hands. Let her get in there—

 

Halle Kiefer: And she would have done it, damn it. But instead they leaned over and she puts her tongue in his mouth, and he bites on it and rips the, piercing out of her tongue. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s like one of the tougher things I’ve had to hear on this podcast. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Of course. Blood immediately fills her mouth just as George starts to come down the stairs with food to feed them. And they do the only thing you could do, which is they both refuse to eat or speak. And George says, look, you’re going to need some time. I don’t care if it’s Gloria’s cooking—

 

Alison Leiby: Swallowing her own blood. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And yeah. So she’s like, straining to not open her mouth. Said I don’t care if you eat Gloria’s cooking or your own fingers. Eventually, he goes back upstairs. The second he does, Jules turns her head and just starts spitting blood, dumping out of her mouth. But it did work. Mickey has the post in his mouth. He’s able to get into his hand undoes it. He picks her handcuffs first because of like where they’re positioned. She’s free. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay? I mean, at least it worked. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It worked, right? She is. Yeah. Bleeding from her mouth. Now, unfortunately, Alison, when she goes to pick his handcuffs and she’s not a lock picker, but he’s, like, guiding her and it almost works. The post snaps off in the lock. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She pans. She’s like, oh my God, what are we going to do? I’m so sorry. Luckily, Sweetie Pie is there. And Sweetie Pie raises her hand and points to the laundry chute and basically says, crawl up the chute to get out of here because the door’s locked. There’s like those little windows but they’re all locked. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So Sweetie Pie’s like, only way out. You have to take the laundry chute, we then see a cross section of the chute and sort of like this Wes Anderson. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like a diorama. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I don’t have a lot of tolerance for that. I’m not a Wes Anderson girl. And not for this. [both speaking]

 

Alison Leiby: Like if that’s the whole thing. Like. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. 

 

Alison Leiby: That’s the thing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And you can do that. I think, for example, I think, Barbarian, you know what? There’s scenes where you see, like the house in the 70s or 50s, whatever it was, where it is the comical. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Like it’s a house that’s so ridiculously 70s, you know. And so I think that’s fine, but this is like we’re seeing it. It’s like, well, this seems like it. Just as a director, you’re just showing off that I like, it’s not connected to what is going on. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But she’s able to get out. But she gets to the first floor and looks through a vent and sees George and Gloria dancing around the kitchen so in love. And then finally makes it to the top where we she emerges and it’s Ethan’s room, which is a baby’s room. 

 

Alison Leiby: Baby’s room. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she runs to the window and before she goes in, she looks into the crib and we see, of course, Ethan is a porcelain baby doll, and she picks it up and it’s like a baby doll with like, a bright red bow tie and like, overalls. And he just, like, stares back at her. And that is a funny moment. 

 

Alison Leiby: That is very funny, but also creepy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Down in the basement, George has discovered that Jules has escaped. Immediately starts punching Mickey in the face. And Mickey says, why are you so angry? Oh, it’s because you’re shooting blanks. Of course, George punches him again. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, I mean, you’re just asking him to pummel you. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You’re also still handcuffed. And George says, I’m going to watch you die. And he turns to his daughter and his kidnaped daughter and says, Sweetie Pie, what should we do with him? And then George proceeds to have a conversation with her where he’s pretending she’s talking. He’s like, all right, if you say so. I wouldn’t have done that. But you’re right, Sweetie Pie. Again, make putting, making putting it on her.

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, Gloria walks up to Ethan’s room, picks up the baby, and is sort of, you know, comforting him as if he’s crying. Meanwhile, Jules is hiding in the closet. In the basement. George says to, Mickey again, something you don’t want to hear in this scenario. There’s nothing sweeter than the sound of a man trying not to scream. And again, the music sounds like it is Home Alone 2. It is. 

 

Alison Leiby: I just like, play Yakety Sax at this point. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It pretty much is. And just as George is about to cut him with a knife from the basement, Mickey says, you know she didn’t go right to the police. George is like, what do you mean. Like, I’m going to. I told her, I’ll meet her in an hour. I don’t know. Neither of us want the cops involved. If you let me go, you will never hear from us. We will never call the cops. And George says, well, what about Sweetie Pie? And Mickey turns to Sweetie Pie and says, Fuck that kid. She’s all yours. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I’m out of here. But then he winks at Sweetie Pie. But I do think it’s funny. It’s like, bitch, do you think she knows what a wink is? She lives in the basement.

 

Alison Leiby: She’s never like, understood like being arch. You know, that’s not a part of her—

 

Halle Kiefer: It’s like, okay, this weird man that my fathers brought is winking at me. Meanwhile, Gloria’s up there cooing at Ethan, her baby. She said, mommy’s looking for a friend. Do you know where she is? We see her look up at the closet door and start advancing on it. Of course, Jules is panicking. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Luckily, George calls Gloria to calm down and says it’s time to say goodbye to our little friend, and Gloria goes down the stairs. Of before she does. Gloria puts Ethan the fake baby back in the crib, sort of tucks him back in. 

 

Alison Leiby: Obviously yes. Well, he’s napping. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And joins her husband, in the foyer. Who holds a gun on Mickey, but he opens the front door to let Mickey out. And he as he is, they’re going basically they’re having a conversation that, from Jules’s perspective, sounds like George is about to shoot Mickey. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: We know that’s not the case. We know Mickey is about to leave, but we hear George say, see you in hell and in panic. Jules bursts out onto the landing with baby Ethan. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh no. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She holds out over the landing and says, stop, don’t kill him, and we see a freeze frame on Mickey’s face as he just about as he’s about to step through the front door. At this point, Alison, I gotta ask who will survive this film? 

 

[voice over]: Who will survive? 

 

Alison Leiby: I think both Mickey and Jules are too dumb to survive this movie. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, great. And what do you think about Sweetie Pie in the basement? 

 

Alison Leiby: I think Sweetie Pie will live on. And I think that both of the homeowners will survive. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, great. Perfect. 

 

Alison Leiby: Do whatever this is again. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And what about baby Ethan? 

 

Alison Leiby: I think baby Ethan will be destroyed. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay, great. 

 

[AD BREAK]

 

Halle Kiefer: Well, I you definitely got that one right. Gloria screams. 

 

[clip of Kyra Sedgwick]: Put him down. 

 

[clip of Maika Monroe]: I will smash it. 

 

[clip of Kyra Sedgwick]: Unhand my baby.

 

Halle Kiefer: Of course. George, closes the doors like phew that was close. I almost thought I wasn’t allowed to kill this guy, but luckily I would give it a second chance to absolutely murder both these people. Gloria grabs the gun and fires it at Jules’s glory. The misstep of Gloria’s life. Yeah, because that causes Jules to drop, baby Ethan. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, of course.

 

Halle Kiefer: Of course. 

 

Alison Leiby: Because it’s not a real baby. So she’s not gonna, like, maybe, like, think, like in the way that your brain would be like, oh, protect this child. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, it’s a doll. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And also, somebody fired a gun. Even a real baby might drop if somebody just fired a gun [both speaking] and got startled Alison. We see. Oh, the horror baby Ethan smashes on the foyer floor. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, that’s a feature wrap on baby Ethan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: [laughter] Yeah, you know what? He did some great work. I’d hire him. 

 

Alison Leiby: In a heartbeat. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Gloria, of course, freaks out, goes over. She’s like, I’ll just put it back together. And she’s, like, scrambling to put the pieces of his head back together, cutting her hands up still covered in blood. And everyone’s like, oh boy. George, of course, sighs, points a gun at Jules and Mickey and says, what have I done to deserve you two? We cut then—

 

Alison Leiby: Seems like a lot. 

 

Halle Kiefer: A lot dude, constantly. They adjourn to the dinner table and we see Jules and Micky are duct taped to their chairs, and Gloria is cooking up a storm. And George gives this monologue about, like, cooking is her way she de-stresses, you know, she’s going to have to cook for an army, okay? Like she just let her go. She’s gotta get in out of her system. And Jules finally says, why do you keep the girl in the basement? Like, if you’re going to kidnap a kid, why? Like, why is she not up here? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right? If you so clearly want a child. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes, exactly. And George explains that he kidnaped the girl to make his wife happy after they weren’t able to make a child. But then eventually, over time, the girl just reminded his wife of what they couldn’t have. So she asked him to make her go away. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Okay, the basement was our compromise, the basement’s not me being mean. That’s me being merciful. 

 

Alison Leiby: What. 

 

Halle Kiefer: You two haven’t seen me be mean yet. So I think he was saying my wife asked me to kill the child. And I’m too good of a person, so I—

 

Alison Leiby: So we just keep her as a prisoner. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And also it doesn’t it isn’t explicitly set out. And I’m assuming that we’re supposed to think that the image, the footage on the camcorder earlier was them killing the girl’s parents and kidnaping her. And that means they kidnaped her when she was a baby. Because you hear a baby crying, it’s not a child crying, right? So, that means that girl, that girl has been there a decade. So who knows when Gloria decided she didn’t want her. 

 

Alison Leiby: This was too much, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I already have baby Ethan. I don’t need an actual child. 

 

Alison Leiby: Meanwhile, she can get pregnant at 50.

 

Halle Kiefer: Girl. [laughs] Listen, Gloria comes over and serves up some genuinely delicious looking Shepherd’s Pie. It made me really want Shepherd’s Pie. 

 

Alison Leiby: I do like Shepherd’s Pie.

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, I mean, just anything where it’s like. And also mashed potatoes. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well, I was going to say, like, why aren’t we putting mashed potatoes as a topper to other foods? 

 

Halle Kiefer: What are we doing? What are we doing, people? 

 

Alison Leiby: What are we. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Chili with a little bit of mashed potatoes on it? 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I like I love putting chili on a baked potato, I’ll tell you that right now. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Now we’re talking. 

 

Alison Leiby: And now. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And now we have a lunch. 

 

Alison Leiby: We’re talking. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Gloria serves up the Shepherd’s Pie, and Jules says, so, are you two going to kill us? And Gloria says, George you  didn’t tell them? He says, no, we’re not going to kill you. We’ve decided not to. It’d be logistical nightmare. Somebody would eventually come looking for you and you’ve been pissing and spitting all over this house, which I thought was fun. [laughter] So we’re actually going to leave. We’re going to hit the road. We’re going to leave you here for 48 hours, and then, you know, we’ll call the police. You’ll serve time for whatever crime you’re running from. But at least you’ll be alive. And. We will have escaped. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like, are they going to be taped to the chairs? 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. So you’re saying you’ll be taped to chairs for 48 hours, and then we will call the cops? I’m thinking, like you’re not going to call the cops. You’re going to leave them there to die slowly.

 

Alison Leiby: Right. Because cops wouldn’t show up and be like, all right, what did you two do? Taped to dining room chairs.

 

Halle Kiefer: Wait a minute. Did you rob a gas station? But he tells them, take your time eating because you have a few days in those chairs. And then I’m thinking, like, yeah, you’re just to be shitting Shepherd’s Pie in your chair for two days. 

 

Alison Leiby: Brutal. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But then Mickey and Jules start eating, and it was like. They look like they’re duct taped. And they, like both lift their arms and I’m like, wait their arms were out?

 

Alison Leiby: They were out?

 

Halle Kiefer: Anyways, they start eating the Shepherd’s Pie, which does look delicious. And Jules says, okay, but what about the girl? And George says, well, you know, open, the open road is no place for her. We’re just going to drop her off. You know, I hear orphanages now are like five star resorts, right? Right? Right. Gloria. And look over at Gloria. Just staring at Jules because of the whole baby Ethan incident. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She tells Jules. You know, my mother’s name was Julia. So you remind me of her. She died horribly when I was young. But before she went, she gave me a gift. I remember going to get it. It was the last gift my mother ever gave me. Alison, I don’t think you’d be surprised. The gift was a doll. And the doll was. 

 

Alison Leiby: A baby. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Baby Ethan. He said he was a magic doll because he took my sadness away from me. Alison. Micky and Jules, start nodding off, and Micky says, what’s going on? And of course, George says, oh, we poisoned the Shepherd’s Pie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Poisoned. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Sorry. We put drugs in it. It’s an overdose. We’re drugging them. Yeah. It’s like, oh, I’m sorry. Yeah. We obviously put drugs in the Shepherd’s Pie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then he says I lied. 

 

Alison Leiby: I wouldn’t eat anything they gave me. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No. Never again. Dumb I decision. As soon as they put that food out, it’s like, well, there’s going to be something in the food. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. Even though like talking about Shepherd’s Pie is making my mouth watering. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she says I lied about not killing you. You had a variable pharmacy in that bag of yours. So our plan is to get you zooted. Then we’re going to sort of pose you with an injector with the harder stuff. When we’ll call the police when they come. Oh my God, officer, we were out of town. These these two drug addicts are broken in going on a bender, and we found them dead. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s not a bad plan. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No. He says, well, because it’ll work. Because no one really cares about that much when people like you die. And then Gloria and George starts laughing maniacally. And the doorbell rings. Alison. George goes to answer it. The gun behind his back. And it’s a police officer, and the officers say, I’m really sorry, but a couple days ago there was a robbery over the stop and gas, and then we found an abandoned vehicle pretty close to your house that matches the description of the perpetrators. Have you seen anyone on your property or has anyone come to the door. We’re just sort of wondering what is what’s going on. And George says nah, that’s crazy, but no, we’re fine. Happy hunting though. However, when George goes to shut the front door, both he and the cop see the broken wood on the doorjamb where Mickey and Jules forced their way in. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And so the cop immediately is like, oh, what happened with that? 

 

Alison Leiby: What’s going on here? 

 

Halle Kiefer: What’s what happened to the door? And George says, oh, I’ve been meaning to get it fixed. My wife and I were moving, furniture out out of the house, and it, it must have broken the the door jamb, and the cop says, mind if I come in and take a look around? And George says, sure. Which I guess it’s like it’s he it’s better to come in and, like, try to convince the officer rather than say, no, you can’t. And then cause suspicion, I suppose.

 

Alison Leiby: Right. And then like, more people like, you know, they’re just gonna. Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But even then I’m like, oh, brother. But he invites the cop and he says, Gloria. We have, you know, we have company. And by the time they get there, they open the door, the dining room. It’s just Gloria inside. Jules and Mickey are missing. They’re gone. And even their place settings have been cleared. And the cop says, like, wow, you made a bunch of food for two people. And Gloria’s like well, a lot of it. We had a lot of food going rancid in the fridge. We thought, let’s just make a feast. Cops like, okay, that seems okay. The cop walks through the kitchen and we see George and Gloria whispering, like, where are they? And Mickey and Jules are, of course in their home gym. They are passed out face down on the floor, but we see Jules start to slowly awaken. And start crawling toward their bag of drugs. The cop asked to go, sort of like, oh, what’s the store? They say, oh, it’s the basement. It’s like, do you mind if I go check it out? And they say, no, I guess we’ll let you. And he descends into the basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: What’s the plan there? 

 

Halle Kiefer: I don’t know. Everyone in this movie I’m like, what are you doing? 

 

Alison Leiby: No one’s doing anything that makes sense. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But as he walks down, Gloria and George stand on the top of stairs with a gun trained on the cop. Because then I’m like, do you think you’re going to kill a cop in your home? He. 

 

Alison Leiby: And that’s not going to arise. It’s like, I guess maybe they want to blame it on, like, leave. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Maybe something like that. 

 

Alison Leiby: I guess. But again, that’s going to take a lot of kind of choreography to make work. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And again, there’s a child still chained up in your basement. Fortunately, the cop hears his radio go off and another officer says, they have two suspects matching the stop and go couple? They’ve been pulled over on Willow Drive. We think we have them. So he’s like, oh, sorry about all this. Looks like they got him. And the cop heads out. Meanwhile, in the gym, Jules does some coke to wake up out of their sort of stupor and then tries to give Micky, like a bump off a yoga mat. But then Mickey drools onto the coke and she goes, baby, that’s not how you do it. It’s like, yes, he’s unconscious. So he didn’t mean to do that? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, he can’t. Yeah. He’s not in control of his salivary glands. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Finally she she rolls him on his back and puts coke like sort of on his mustache. So when he covers his mouth, so he inhales it, wakes him up. The cop leaves. Oh and he tells George and Gloria, if you see anything out of the ordinary, please let me know. As George is leaning to cover a bullet hole. Like it’s like, Who Framed Roger Rabbit in the wall? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: George and Gloria run to the gym. Of course. Mickey and Jules are gone. They look out the window, and George is getting a little bit miffed at Gloria. He’s like, you know what, Gloria? I think you probably should have stayed to watch them, but it’s fine. We have to go get them. He runs out and we see Gloria looks out the window what they’re staring at. It’s, of course, one of Jules’ boots. They put on their coats, they run into the backyard, tired of hunt them down. But of course, this is our first time at the rodeo. We know that they’re still in the house and they’re going to try to help Sweetie Pie. And there is a again, I reference, Who Framed Roger rabbit? Literally, because this there is a image where Jules and Mickey are hiding behind curtains and you see their outline like it’s Looney Tunes, and they jump out and then, of course, try to rescue the filthy, silent, abused child locked in the basement. And they undo her, her chain. But she of course, she doesn’t want to go with them. She’s staying there and says it is because I said, fuck you, but I winked. Winking means it’s not true. Jules says you better apologize to her. Meanwhile— 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s like we are wasting time. Just pick her up. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. She’s a she weighs 50 pounds. 

 

Alison Leiby: 50 pounds. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, out in the woods, George finally loses his cool and shouts at Gloria like, hurry up, we have to find them. And she flips and she says, no, you’ve never yelled at me like that before. You have to cherish me like you promised. And at the same time we see Mickey get down on one knee and apologize to Sweetie Pie in the basement at the same time. Out in the woods, George gets down on one knee and apologizes to his wife and he says no one has what we have. Everything else is all cardboard. 

 

Alison Leiby: No, no one has what you have. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: No one has a child locked in their basement and a baby doll [laughs] they pretend is real. 

 

Halle Kiefer: He says it’s all cardboard and you know it. She says, oh, do you really mean that, George? And at the same time, both of the female characters forgive the male for their transgression. And we see Sweetie Pie nod, and finally they started to haul ass. We see Gloria tell George I want to forget about them. George. I want to leave it all behind and start a brand new life. Who says we can’t do it again? The two of us do whatever we want in this foolish world. So we see Jules and Mickey grab Sweetie Pie and then run up to take the car so they’re able to find the car keys. Grab them. Meanwhile there. And so they’re in the, garage throwing Sweetie Pie in getting the car started. Gloria and George get back to the house. Gloria starts packing their luggage to leave. Like they’re just going to abandon the house, and George goes downstairs with the gun. And he as he approaches Sweetie Pie where she normally is, she says, I’m sorry, Sweetie Pie. Daddy’s got to go. I know, I know, it’s the way I have to be. And probably he’s just going to shoot her and leave her there. 

 

Alison Leiby: Jesus. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Meanwhile, the gang gets a, the gets in the garage to get the garage door open, and they’re about to drive out. Unfortunately, when the car with the garage door opens, we see George standing in the driveway gun in hand. 

 

Alison Leiby: Just run him over. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he says, son I think you have got something that belongs to me. And Mickey turns to Jules and says, I love you. And she says, don’t. And Mickey screams, duck. And she both Jules and Sweetie Pie duck. Because Sweetie Pie, I guess knew duck at least. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And he drives forward, slams into George, who flies, you know, over the car. But he shoots George, shoots through the windshield, hitting Mickey on the chest. And Mickey and Jules have a final moment, I guess. I guess I’m never gonna see Florida and how cool it was and how good it would be to sell the shells. I love you. And he dies. And Jules of course sobbing. But she barely has the time, enough time to  grieve her lover. When George reaches his hand into the driver’s side window and rips her out of the car, and he starts strangling her and says, I’m never going to die. I’m going to be the last thing you’ve ever seen. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And then we hear a gun click and they both look up to see Sweetie Pie holding George’s dropped gun. 

 

Alison Leiby: All right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this to me is like, this is just they let this actor just sort of riff and he’s like, oh. When. Let’s do something that’s good. Let’s go do some. You like Sweetie Pie. Oh. What do you like? What makes you feel good? Mint chocolate chip ice cream. Alison, Sweetie Pie shoots George straight through the skull. 

 

Alison Leiby: Hell, yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And we get a shot of her through his skull wound before he collapses. 

 

Alison Leiby: Oh. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Okay. And Jules goes to Sweetie Pie and tells her we’re going to be okay. I I’ll just be right back. And Alison, she gets back in the car. She puts Mickey’s seat back and straddles his corpse. And for the last time, we see her do the car wash and cover his face with her hair and the curtain of her hair, she tells him I love you. And just then, Gloria comes out of the house. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right it’s like, you’ve got this. Like, I get that you want to kind of like, mourn your lover, but at the same time, it’s like there’s another person at large here. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Gloria comes out with all of her luggage packed incredibly quick packer. I would have expected as much. 

 

Alison Leiby: Good for her. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And she see’s George’s obliterated skull and says—

 

[clip of Kyra Sedgwick]: George? Are you okay? Time for us to go. 

 

Halle Kiefer: She lays down with his body and says, I guess. Well, I guess we just stay here a minute longer and. Sweetie Pie. Jules, take the gun and just start walking up the road. As Gloria holds her husband and says with love. Oh, what an adventure we’ll have. George, I just can’t wait. And at the road, an older woman in a pickup pulls over to help Jules. And Sweetie Pie and says, where are you girls going? Jules, look at Sweetie Pie, says Florida. And we end with sort of a montage of old timey footage of beautiful Florida Sweetie Pie and Jules playing in the sand. You know, that way? Sort of. Jules giving Sweetie Pie a childhood. She deserves that Jules herself seemingly didn’t have. And, Alison, you’re not going to believe it. But they sell. They set up a little shop, and they do sell seashells on the seashore. The end. 

 

Alison Leiby: Well. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So I just wanted to talk about this movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Happy International Women’s Day to the women who made it through who survived this film. 

 

Halle Kiefer: This was I wanted to save my I made my criticisms, but I wanted to save my ire for the end. And I will say, recounting it, I did like the movie more. 

 

Alison Leiby: Okay. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But when I finished watching this, I was like, this is my least favorite movie we’ve ever done. 

 

Alison Leiby: Wow. That is saying something because we’ve done some movies that you’ve really not liked. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I want to be clear, because I, we did get an email about how people don’t like it or somebody did like it that I do movies that I don’t like, but I think even then that was there’s about 13 Ghosts. I do. I still appreciate it by the end. So I want to go in with the level of appreciation, the tone of this movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah, it. See, even the trailer, it felt kind of uneven and like it felt like it’s not really a horror comedy. 

 

Halle Kiefer: No no no no no. 

 

Alison Leiby: But like, it has some of the, like markings of a horror comedy, but without actually being that which makes it even more confusing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I feel like there are a lot of marker, like it was like, this is a movie that when written, you sort of can see it, but in its actual bringing to life, there’s it’s less than the sum of its parts, I would say. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, that makes sense to me. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I think the, I would say and again, I don’t want to be a total hater, but I just was sort of flummoxed by the end of this movie. I think one of the issues is that the characters are all really dumb. That’s tough. You know. 

 

Alison Leiby: It’s tough when everyone’s dumb. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Right. And again, it could maybe the kid could have been the smart one like. But it’s such a big swing. And then not only are they dumb, they’re dumb at an 11 from the beginning of the movie. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: When we meet Jules and Mickey, they’re doing dumb stuff. Immediately when we meet George and Gloria, they are both dumb and crazy immediately. So we’re not getting the ratchet up? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And I would say this again, I don’t mean to be pedantic. I’m just saying if you’re someone writing a horror movie, here’s what I would say is if you’re going for that, you then have to ground the horror in realism. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes, yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And this is ultimately why I don’t like horror movies with children in it, because they’re you’re not you’re never going to ground the horror because the horror is the most horrible thing possible, which is a child chained in the basement. So then the horror movie has to be about everything else. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: It can’t be about the worst thing, which in my case, if it can’t be about that, then make it—

 

Alison Leiby: Then make a different movie. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Or just have them get, yeah, they break into this house and then now they’re going to use Mickey to impregnate their wife. You know, I mean like make it about that. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right? There was kind of like two things going at once. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And to me, that was because they didn’t want to actually delve into the horror. But baby, you gave us the horror. You gave us—

 

Alison Leiby: You gave us, you gave us, child chained up. You chose [both speaking] weird 70s. People like it’s like you set it all up. 

 

Halle Kiefer: So I think for me, it’s like it was dancing around because it’s a very difficult thing. But also if you’re going to do that, do it. And I think you could have it like we did the movie The Loved Ones was like that Australian movie. And so they kidnaped, you know, sort of like a, it’s like a homecoming sort of situation, which is very absurd and silly and has those themes. But then also the violence is gnarly, the vibe, like we were actually having violence. Otherwise it’s just sort of Garden State with a child chained up in the basement. 

 

Alison Leiby: With some murder. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, yeah. Like and again, I just this is not to criticize anybody involved in the making of this, but it’s just interesting how—

 

Alison Leiby:  Together.

 

Halle Kiefer: It didn’t come together. And it’s because they didn’t want to actually deal with the horror. And I understand that. But then don’t make it about a child chained up in the basement. One of the worst things you possibly could like did some of that. It even depicted on screen is so awful. Then mate, do some else have to be an adult woman chained up down there? You know, like have it be an alien? Like whatever—

 

Alison Leiby: Like a weird zombie, like anything else, but like a child who has been, like, abducted and abused. It’s like, oof—

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Because then it’s—

 

Alison Leiby: That’s a different kind of movie. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. And I completely agree. And in a movie where you could have landed it, but you’d have to really be willing, like then get into it. 

 

Alison Leiby: Get into it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: The mommy stuff, like get into the Gloria, like some sort of like she’s a mom who has to fuck her kids. Like, then that’s the movie. That’s the movie you wrote, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And to me, it reminds you of loved ones and then Don’t breathe. And also Barbarian, you know, our producer pointed out like, how many similarities to Barbarian, not not least of them, Bill Skarsgard. And I think that’s a good example of like, we are, you know, she shouldn’t be walking down those stairs. You know, that she’s being stupid. And when you find out what’s down the stairs, it is horrifying enough that it grounds the the absurdity. It grounds the comedy in a way that feels like, okay, well, it was worth it was almost. It balances itself out. If you’re going to do a horror comedy, it has to be balanced or just do like Hot Fuzz have it like is genuinely a comedy or like Jennifer’s Body, like it’s a. 

 

Alison Leiby: Make it fun. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Like this was like they I think it was just like they didn’t want to deal with the horror, which I understand, but also then then the do some different, have something else be in the basement. It still works, right? 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. This is a lot of ideas, none of them quite executed. Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: But again, we’ve never made a movie yet. So it just this is not a criticism. This is we all, a lot of great things there that maybe didn’t coalesce in a way that I thought they should have. And maybe that’s why I was frustrated, was like, I see the great movie. I see how this could have been good, but it sort of didn’t want to deal with itself. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I think, that being said, what are some fatal mistakes you think may have been made in the movie Villains? Alison. 

 

[voice over]: Fatal mistakes. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, not getting gas at the gas station. You were robbing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Big time. 

 

Alison Leiby: Like number one. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: Not doing that. And then not like. Just taking the chance to be like, we’ll take the keys to your car. Like, risk them. Like risk these people calling the police and being like they stole our car when like they gave you the keys because, you know, you could just be like, they have a child chained up in their basement. And, like, you can just say that and, like, it might not exonerate you, but like, I don’t know, like, what is the punishment for, like, knocking out like, like 1 or 2 gas stations, like, I don’t know, I bet you could make a deal. 

 

Halle Kiefer: I agree, yeah, it seems like the exact kind of thing that the cops will give you a deal to testify against these people, like. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes.

 

Halle Kiefer: Oh, you’ll get probation or you have to do community service? 

 

Alison Leiby: Kind of like, have this be more of a like, it’s on your record, but you’re not going to serve time kind of thing. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Exactly. And I do think it’s different. Like if they had killed the cashier, like if they had done something bad, then that’s all. 

 

Alison Leiby: Stole some money. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Like if and maybe that would have grounded it more is like if they did kill the cashier. 

 

Alison Leiby: Had a real. Yes. Yes. I think if the crime they committed was higher stakes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: It would have made more sense. But because it was just like even if they robbed like 5 or 10 gas stations, like you stole cash from people like it’s, it’s it’s nothing in comparison to, like, what this couple has done to this child. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. Yeah. 

 

Alison Leiby: And and also to that child’s parents. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Because that the implication is that they killed the parents and then. Right. And I think the other thing I had with it was like, we don’t have enough information like make this couple the, their, the pinnacles of their church. They, you know, they run this town, give that stakes because then I’m like, wait. So like, they were never caught for that murder where that murder happened. 

 

Alison Leiby: Right. 

 

Halle Kiefer: How do they afford this house? Like it invites more questions. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yes. 

 

Halle Kiefer: That if if the stakes were more believable or more equal, I’d accept it. Right. It’s like, yes, we’ve done something horrible. You’ve done something equally horrible. What? What can we do? And then that’s the movie is negotiating our punishment or negotiating—

 

Alison Leiby: Didn’t really have stakes to either of them.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. Too bad. And then finally, where would you like to put villains on the spooky scale? Alison? 

 

[voice over]: A spooky scare. 

 

Alison Leiby: I guess this is a three for me. I think the child chained up is scary. I think the vibes of the couple in the house are really scary and like the the cop coming and being like, what’s it like? That tension is real. But you know the rest. Also, the tongue ring thing thing bumps it up for me. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, I know, you know, I’m going to give it a three, because I do think the child is scary. And when Kyra Sedgwick first starts, like dancing to seduce Mickey, I was like, oh, no. But then they kind of backed away from that at a certain point. But yeah. Three I think, again, great ideas. Some really scary stuff that unfortunately just, you know, didn’t come together. 

 

Alison Leiby: Doesn’t really work. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah, that’s too bad. 

 

Alison Leiby: I’m glad we did it. And a good, a good kick off, degree wise for six degrees of Kevin Bacon month. 

 

Halle Kiefer: Yes. And shout out to Kyra Sedgwick. She’s great. She’s great again, giving it her all in this movie. Thank you for joining us, everyone. And, we’ll see you next week for, another movie that I have to. I’m going to spend a day picking the other movies so I could actually map out, how they’re connected or else, you know, I’m not going to. I’m not going to remember to do that. 

 

Alison Leiby: I mean, I just feel like it’s a good month for catchalls because, like, pretty much any actor from any movie you could, like, make, make a case. So.

 

Halle Kiefer: Yeah. I’m excited. And thank you again to, our listener who sent us the idea. That’s super fun. And we’re excited. 

 

Alison Leiby: We love a theme suggestion. So if you ever come up with a good one, shoot it our way. We’re probably going to do it. 

 

Halle Kiefer: And also like if you if you have sent one, we haven’t replied or honestly, just send it again. Don’t feel like we’re idiot. You know we’re fucking morons. 

 

Alison Leiby: Yeah. 

 

Halle Kiefer: All right, well, we love you. And thank you for listening to us. 

 

Alison Leiby: Don’t forget to follow us at Ruined podcasts and Crooked Media on Instagram, Twitter and TikTok for show updates. And if you’re just as opinionated as we are, consider dropping us a review. Ruined is a Radio Point and Crooked Media production, we’re your writers and hosts Halle Kiefer and Alison Leiby. This show is executive produced by Alex Bach, Sabrina Fonfeder and Houston Snyder, and recorded and edited by Kat Iossa. From Crooked Media our executive producer is Kendra James with production and promotional support from Ari Schwartz, Kyle Seglin, Julia Beach, Caroline Dunphy, and Ewa Okulate.

 

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