My Pathetic Excuse For A Son Needs You To Elect Glenn Youngkin | Crooked Media
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My Pathetic Excuse For A Son Needs You To Elect Glenn Youngkin

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As a parent, my number one priority is to protect my children. I assumed that my children’s teachers shared that priority, so imagine my surprise when my son Jacob informed me that he was having recurring nightmares—not from some gory movie or violent video game, but from an English class assignment. My 16-year-old son has been wetting the bed in terror ever since he started reading To Kill A Mockingbird, and as a Virginia voter, it is your responsibility to fix this.

I was alarmed to learn that Jacob had been assigned to read a book with the word “kill” right there in the title, and as I flipped through its pages, my horror only grew. What kind of demonic being would force my Christian child to read about a character named Boo, famously the scariest word in our lexicon? This is a word that belongs in haunted houses, not public-school classrooms. We need a governor who will stop our school districts from shamelessly pushing a pro-ghost socialist agenda, and that’s Glenn Youngkin.

To be clear, Jacob did not want me to tell anyone that he is haunted by a classic piece of literature generally recommended for children three years younger. He would be humiliated if the whole country knew that Atticus Finch torments him with logical arguments in his sleep, even when I’ve plugged in an extra night-light. But that’s how important this election is. Only by exposing my son as a miserable coward can I ensure that no other young conservatives are ever subjected to the same literary terrorism.

There are those on the right who will say, “Hold on. I thought only liberals could be thin-skinned, triggered little snowflakes?” Not so! Some of our most prominent voices are bigger sissies than you could possibly imagine. Ben Shapiro was a virgin until he was 24, and to this day believes aroused people should be hospitalized. Tomi Lahren spiraled into a white-panic attack at age 21 and has yet to pull out of it. Meghan McCain claimed that she’d been chased out of New York City by a tweet.

My son Jacob belongs to a proud tradition of hypersensitive right-wing dweebs. I believe he has what it takes to climb to the very top of the ladder, as soon as he stops throwing up all over the backyard because some godless Antifa heathen slipped him a copy of Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech. And I know in my heart that he will stop throwing up, on Election Day.

Because this election isn’t just about To Kill A Mockingbird. This election is about what future we want for our kids. Will your daughter fulfill her potential and achieve the American Dream? Or will she read a paragraph about the Trail of Tears and spend the rest of her life in an iron lung? 

I was stunned when Virginia lawmakers brushed off my complaint that illustrations of mixed-race families in my son’s chemistry textbook had given him uncontrollable diarrhea. But Glenn Youngkin understands that we must protect teenagers like Jacob from the educators who would seek to tamper with their perfectly smooth brains, and when we parents exercise our First Amendment rights to demand that the government ban certain books, Glenn Youngkin will listen. 

Our fragile, pathetic children deserve a safe space. Not the indulgent kind of safe space that liberals want to protect their precious feelings, but the kind that will enable my son Jacob to go to school without soiling his pants and crying every time he catches a glimpse of a Langston Hughes poem. Let’s make Virginia that safe space. Vote for Glenn Youngkin on November 2.