Greetings fellow educators. Welcome back to another exciting semester at Samuel Colt Academy. And let’s hear it especially for those of you who qualified as marksmen this summer. I know our students may wear Thor and Spider-man t-shirts, but if you ask me, you guys are the real superheroes. There’s coffee in the back, and I remembered soy milk this time so hopefully we won’t have another mortifying lactose debacle in the teacher’s lounge like last year. Not gonna name names Henry, but I’m looking at you.

[nervous laughter]

I’m gonna keep this short, but I want to thank you all so much for giving up part of your afternoon for Professional Development and it means the world that you guys so cooperatively checked your sidearms at the door. If you’re wondering how to pick up your piece after PD, Vice Principal Statsky has kindly placed each gun into a cubby, which he organized in order of birthdays. Speaking of which, Coach Wellington, don’t think we forgot. We’ll be enjoying a Carvel ice cream cake in the all-purpose room immediately after we wrap up here. We hope you have a happy and healthy 23rd year. I kid, I kid, we know you’re older than that. Ha ha! Anyhow, have a good one.

Oh, and for anyone with a long-gun, we’ve placed your weapons, barrel-down, behind the turtle tank in the panic room. But be careful when you go collect ‘em, because the students painted their Kevlar vests yesterday and they’re still drying. We’ve got some seriously talented young Picassos on our hands.

OK! Let’s get down to brass tacks. I supplied each of you with a checklist of materials we are asking you to provide for your own classrooms this year, and it brings me no joy to announce that, once again, we cannot reimburse you for protractors, tissue boxes, or live-fire ammunition.

[scattered boos]

Now, now, before you get too grumpy, I know all of these things are key ingredients of any happy classroom. But it’s just out of our budget this year, and if you have a problem with that please take it up with the superintendent. The good news is that Dr. Wallace in the science department was nice enough to organize a bulk purchase of bullets from the dark web. I know he can’t wait to fill you all in during the breakout sessions. His hollow-tip order will be going out tomorrow, so don’t be shy. Priority will be given to those of you who already own bitcoin.

On a related note, I hate to do this, but let’s chat briefly about the elephant in the room. I know it’s a sad time for all of us and everyone is a little scared about the future. But let me be clear… just because we aren’t fielding a lacrosse team this year doesn’t mean we won’t be beaming with school pride. Just for starters, our own Lewis Van Kirk was already offered early admission to Princeton, which we are all ecstatic about. And second, our rifle team is ranked third in the Southwest Conference, all thanks to the state-of-the-art shooting range we installed where the music room used to be. Told you we wouldn’t miss those trumpets!

Oh oh, and before I forget, Officer Briganti has asked that when you’re making a powerpoint presentation, please refrain from using the laser sight on your sniper-rifle as a laser pointer. I know you guys are just trying to cut costs, but we don’t need our team of armed security guards to get the wrong idea. Our rivals at Stratford High already lost three teachers that way, and, frankly speaking, friendly fire is one competition we’re OK losing to them.

Now, I know a few of you have stopped by my weekly coffee cake and jam sesh to fill me in on how you’re feeling and I want to know that I hear you. Many of you have confided in me that you are terrified every single day. That not a day goes by when you aren’t afraid of the violent and numbing world we’ve built for our beautiful children, and that also, you don’t not know how to shoot a gun, and the thought of needing to fire one inside this building fills you with a sense of horror that paralyzes you on the job, and shakes you awake in the middle of the night. Also, a few of you have asked for a more organized system for reserving the overhead projectors. Well, I want you to know that Ms. Stolsenberg, the new computer teacher, started a Google Doc which will completely streamline the projector process. When it comes to the gun thing, all I can say is, grow up. That’s why they pay us the big bucks.

Okay team, who wants to do some trust falls?