A NEW LAYER

The Onion’s fight to turn Infowars, Alex Jones’ conspiracy-laden website, into a parody of itself hit a big setback, but it’s not over. Here’s what comes next — and how The Onion could still win.

• Decent, soul-possessing, laughter-appreciating humans everywhere rejoiced when The Onion, the satirical news outlet, announced that it had purchased Infowars, the site famous for allowing professional asshole Alex Jones to push harmful conspiracy theories. As an extra fuck you to Jones, The Onion collaborated with the families of Sandy Hook school shooting victims. After all, it was those families’ defamation lawsuits that pushed Jones into bankruptcy under a $1.5 billion mountain of debt, after he spent years baselessly calling them actors in a hoax and suggesting that their children might not really be dead. The Onion planned to relaunch Infowars this January as a parody site mocking conspiracy theories and promoting gun safety.

• Of course, nothing truly worth doing is easy. Judge Christopher Lopez nixed the sale last night after a two-day hearing, stating that the result didn’t maximize sale value and “left a lot of money on the table” for the victims’ families and other creditors. The Onion valued its bid at $7 million (based on some complicated accounting that included its own cash offer, plus a portion of proceeds that the families volunteered to give up in order to sweeten the deal). First United American Companies, a company that runs a website selling supplements in Jones’ name, was the only other bidder, with a $3.5 million offer.

• “I don’t think anyone acted in bad faith here,” Lopez said. But the bid “seemed doomed almost from the moment they decided to go to a sealed bid … Nobody knows what anybody else is bidding.” In normal people words, The Onion’s purchase was spoiled because of concerns that the auction wasn’t run properly.

But The Onion’s fight for Infowars isn’t over yet. 

• Christopher Murray, the court-appointed trustee, has 30 days to decide what happens next. Lopez said he doesn’t want another complex auction. The bottom line is that The Onion may get another shot, though it remains unclear exactly how that process will unfold, Rick Edmonds, a media business analyst at Poynter, told What A Day.

• Still, there’s room for optimism that The Onion may yet emerge victorious over the forces of bullshit. The guy in charge, Murray, has already weighed in favorably on The Onion’s last offer, calling it “just better than the other [bid] … by a lot.”

• Jones and his allies aren’t done scheming, however. Jones plans to pursue appeals that he hopes will reduce his $1.5 billion debt, and First United American Companies may sweeten its earlier bid. Jones may also hope that his buddies in the new Trump administration will flex muscles to help him when they take power in January.

• The Onion’s CEO, Ben Collins, has big plans, if he prevails. “We are planning on making it a very funny, very stupid website. We have retained the services of some Onion and Clickhole Hall of Famers to pull this off. I can’t wait to show you what we have cooked up,” Collins has written.

The Onion will keep trying to buy Infowars in the coming weeks, Collins said in a statement this morning. “It is part of our larger mission to make a better, funnier internet.

RF… OKAY?

Brain worm survivor Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is a man of many bizarre obsessions. Add one more to the pile: He’s reportedly trying to prove that the CIA helped kill his uncle, former President John F. Kennedy, by tapping his newfound political influence in the Trump administration, where he’s set to become secretary of Health and Human Services.

RFK Jr. has been secretly pushing for his daughter-in-law Amaryllis Fox Kennedy to become the next deputy CIA director, Axios reports. He’s been making the case that she’d help get to the bottom of whether the U.S. government collaborated with Lee Harvey Oswald in JFK’s 1963 assassination.

It’s an unproven, well-publicized conspiracy theory that has remained popular in part thanks to RFK Jr. himself. “There is overwhelming evidence that the CIA was involved in his murder,” Kennedy said last year. “I think it’s beyond a reasonable doubt at this point.”

Any such supposedly damning evidence has never been revealed, but RFK Jr. “wants to get to the bottom of it,” a person familiar with Kennedy’s thinking told Axios. If his daughter-in-law — a former undercover CIA agent — is picked for the job, she could look into the matter and push for the release of more documents about the case.

In August, Donald Trump said he’d create an independent commission to look into presidential assassinations, including Kennedy’s. RFK Jr. decision last summer to ditch his own independent presidential campaign and boost Trump now appears to be paying some strange dividends

NEWS NEWS NEWS

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) said this term is likely to be his last. “I’m 83 now. I’ll be 89 when I get out of here. You can do the figuring. I don’t know, but I would assume, probably, yes,” he said. I’m sure that even after he retires, he will be fighting the corrupt billionaires until he’s 100.

FBI Director Christopher Wray announced that he’s stepping down in January, three years before his 10-year term ends. Last week, Donald Trump said he’s nominating MAGA nutjob Kash Patel to lead the agency.

Time Magazine is expected to name Donald Trump as the “Person of the Year,” Politico reports. “DEAR LORD,” What A Day reports. Can’t wait for that cover to burn my eyeballs.

Most Americans don’t trust Trump or RFK Jr. as sources of medical information, according to a new poll. In fact, more Americans trust Anthony Fauci than both of them. Funny how that works!

Perennial manchild Elon Musk’s net worth reached over $400 billion today, the highest of anyone in history. His wealth has risen 66 percent since Trump’s win, according to Bloomberg. Yet another example of failing upwards in MAGA world.

Outgoing Sens. Joe Manchin (I-WV) and Kyrsten Sinema (I-AZ) joined forces to deliver one final middle finger to their former party, voting to narrowly block Democratic from controlling the National Labor Relations Board through 2026. Now, it’ll be harder for Democrats to deliver pro-union rulings and protect workers’ rights. “Don’t let the door hit you in your asses,” Rep. Mark Pocan (D-WI) wrote on X, summing up how the entire left feels right now.

On that note, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) introduced a bill today to hold capitalism “accountable.” The bill, which is unlikely to go anywhere, would aim to move corporations away from “maximizing shareholder value” and toward supporting workers. That’s the spirit!

The ACLU has a plan to hold the Trump administration accountable on day one:

• File legal actions to combat discriminatory tactics, including attacks on housing, health care and employment for LGBTQ individuals
• Challenge the administration’s dangerous attacks on reproductive freedom – including attempts to take medication abortion off the selves – through advocacy efforts in Congress and at the state level
• Work with state and local officials to push back against federal overreach and ensure our rights and freedoms aren’t stripped away by federal force.

If Trump’s campaign promises – discrimination against LGBTQ individuals and other vulnerable populations, complete bans on abortion access, and threats of mass deportation– are any indication, we must prepare for a full-scale attack on our most fundamental rights.

Join the ACLU today to help stop the Trump administration’s attacks through legal action, advocacy, and community organizing. With your support, the ACLU will be ready to fight back the first moment Trump attacks our rights.

The fights ahead will be challenging, but with the support of millions of members like you, the ACLU’s legal, advocacy, and organizing teams can put their plans into action and win.

Join the ACLU today. Together, we can fight the inevitable attacks from the Trump administration and protect everyone’s rights and freedoms.