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Advanced Triathlon Tips For Arizona Senators

Dem. Kyrsten Sinema, D-Ariz. performs the coin toss before an NCAA college football game between Arizona State and Utah, Saturday, Nov 3, 2018, in Tempe, Ariz. (AP Photo/Rick Scuteri)

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Dem. Kyrsten Sinema, D-Ariz. performs the coin toss before an NCAA college football game between Arizona State and Utah, Saturday, Nov 3, 2018, in Tempe, Ariz. (AP Photo/Rick Scuteri)

Try adding reverse planks to your daily workouts to activate your glutes. Starting from a seated position, extend your legs, place your hands next to your hips, and ask yourself honestly whether the filibuster has facilitated bipartisanship in any real way during your time in office. Aim for three sets of 30-second holds.

Incorporating a short strength-training session each day will ensure that your body can produce sustainable power when you need it most. Focus on low-weight, high-rep exercises like the alternating dumbbell bench press, the dumbbell walking lunge, the picking up the phone to listen to your constituents’ concerns about your broken campaign promises and obedience to corporate donors, and the side plank.

Often forget to consume enough carbohydrates between two-a-day workouts? Fix this common fueling mistake by dropping in to Chuck Schumer’s office for a bagel and a frank chat about what the fuck it is that you want.

While scientific studies are still ongoing, dozens of top triathletes have reported that supporting a $15 minimum wage has helped them, uh, get really good at pedaling or whatever.

Regularly suffering from sore muscles after a long run? It might come down to your nutrition, or it could be all the unnatural contortions of defending an arcane Senate rule at the expense of passing legislation to protect democracy itself. Try a combination of cottage cheese and abolishing the filibuster, an unexpected solution that only someone distinctive and off-beat would dare attempt.

Getting ready for your first triathlon in Europe? Oh, you’re just over there for fundraisers. Right now? That’s…huh. Okay.

On race day, leave your bike shoes clicked into the pedals to speed up your transition from the swimming phase. On other days, consider doing your job.

Steer clear of alcohol the night before a race, unless it’s a nice bottle of red from the California winery where you took a paid summer internship as a 40-something elected official, in which event, it seems likely that advice of any kind bounces off of you like a pertinent question from a respected reporter. Slurp the whole bottle through a crazy straw and chase it with a shot of bicycle grease, you free-thinking maverick. Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus, why are you eating the shot glass?

Include breathing patterns in your swim workouts to minimize fatigue, and include prescription-drug pricing in the Build Back Better Act to minimize the odds of being accosted by activists in every public bathroom for the rest of your natural life.

Interval training can help you achieve a faster running time, but it’s worth taking a moment to examine what you’re running from. The progressive ideals you once touted? The Etsy artisans you’ve represented against their will? That gnawing feeling that even here, in the marble halls of power, you’re a small, unexceptional person whose only hope of being remembered in the same breath as the giants you admire is to style yourself a cartoon villain on the same scale? Start introducing short hill intervals on the treadmill, and remember, it won’t help you outrun the ravages of climate change. 

Stick to liquids while refueling on the run. Solid foods can cause an upset stomach, particularly the morning after overindulging on bicycle grease, and those activists have the port-a-potty surrounded.

It sounds unlikely, but big stupid curtsies have been the source of career-ending knee injuries for scores of otherwise healthy triathletes. Avoid the kinds of harmful, unpopular votes that inspire smug, theatrical flourishes, and who knows, you might just salvage two careers at once.