FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Tuesday, December 01, 2020
Media Contact: MayorPress@mayorpress.com
METROPOLIS, USA — As the city’s new COVID-19 case numbers continue to climb at an alarming rate, the mayor has announced a slate of additional restrictions designed to combat transmission of the idea that the mayor is whiffing it big-time. Until a vaccine is widely available, the residents of this great city will need to stand strong, pull together, and stop being mad at the mayor. To that end, please note the following changes:
Bars must close by 10 p.m., and may not play the song “WAP” after 9 p.m. Specialty cocktails with fun names may be served during daylight hours only. Fun names must have prior approval from the mayor’s office.
Hair and nail salons may remain open, with “the floor is lava” rules in effect.
The specific conditions of public-school closures have been classified on the grounds of national security. Parents wishing to know if their child’s school will be open for in-person learning tomorrow are advised to submit a FOIA request.
Public playgrounds will remain open, with every other monkey bar roped off to encourage social distancing.
In accordance with a recent Supreme Court ruling, any individual who fails to attend a weekly indoor church service may be fined up to $500 and/or shot.
Residents who are experiencing COVID symptoms or have been exposed to a COVID-positive individual are strongly urged to hold their breath while taking advantage of the terrific holiday promotions at their local Chevy dealership.
Hookups arranged over Tinder will be prohibited. Hookups arranged over Hinge will be permitted, provided neither party has listed their political views as “moderate.” Hookups arranged on all other apps must be pre-approved by the Board of Health on a case-by-case basis.
Residents are urged not to gather with anyone outside of their immediate household at a park, beach, or private backyard. Residents are encouraged to gather with whomever they wish at Olive Garden, where we are all family™.
Due to high transmission rates, non-Olive Garden restaurants will remain closed for both indoor and outdoor dining. If, say, a Potbelly Sandwich Shop were to rebrand as a hair salon and offer customers complimentary turkey clubs to enjoy while receiving a $7 trim, well, there’s not much that we at the mayor’s office could do about that.
Weddings must be held outdoors with attendance capped at 10 guests. If all attendees are certified to be under six feet in height, an eleventh guest may be added.
If a household is found to have hosted three large, illegal parties, utilities to that home will be shut off. If that household hosts a fourth party, utilities will be turned back on, but the WiFi will be noticeably funky. In the event of a fifth party, utilities will be turned up harder than you little assholes have ever seen. Water will gush forth, unbeckoned, from every faucet; ring lights will blaze brighter than the sun; gas heaters will very likely explode. If the household proceeds to host a sixth party, the mayor requests an invitation.
As always, residents are reminded to wear face masks that covers their nose and mouth whenever working at their low-paying service jobs or standing unnecessarily close to underpaid service workers. This will be a difficult winter, but if we all stay focused on confusing individual choices and stressful risk calculations, while continuing not to pay people to stay at home, there’s no reason this city can’t have its mayor-related anger under control by Christmas. Stay safe, stay home, and see you at the mall.