BREAK OUT  THE MALORT

Will the first American pope clash with Donald Trump? And is that, uh… his social media account picking on JD Vance?

• Millions of Americans watched in delighted surprise when Cardinal Robert Prevost emerged from the Sistine Chapel this afternoon and introduced himself to the world as history’s first American pontiff, taking the name Pope Leo XIV. Born in Chicago in 1955, he earned a degree in mathematics from Villanova University before spending much of his life in Peru. He’s viewed as a centrist, although he’s progressive on some social issues, notably supporting marginalized communities.

• His first public remarks struck a note of unity. “United and hand in hand with God, let us advance together,” Pope Leo told roaring crowds.

• But then the internet did its thing — putting a new spotlight (perhaps) on what he really believes. Last month, an X account using Cardinal Prevost’s name reposted a tweet critical of Trump’s deportation policies. The same account once retweeted Sen. Chris Murphy’s (D-CT) post about gun control measures, and another tweet about supporting George Floyd’s family. He seems to be against child separation policies at the border and called for an end to the death penalty. In February, he reposted two articles bashing Vice President JD Vance, one criticizing his suggestion that the bible asks followers to rank their love of people.

• These posts may provide some insight into his beliefs: “Vance’s argument echoes a medieval concept … that a person rightly prioritizes their affections, with family on top,” writes the author of an article that was seemingly retweeted by the future pope. “The problem with this hierarchy is that it feeds the myth that some people are more deserving of our care than others. It’s a framework that makes sense in a world governed by scarcity and fear, where protection comes at the expense of others.”

Okay, so even the pope has an internet history. Will those views influence his role as pope? His election comes at a fraught time for religious freedom in the U.S.

• President Donald Trump has vowed to make America “more religious” and “bring back Christianity” — but his actions so far appear to be at odds with the pope’s stances. It’s hard to imagine Trump’s “anti-Christian taskforce” earning support from Leo, or his crackdown on Muslim student protestors who support Palestinian rights. These issues may be more difficult for this pope to ignore, since they’re taking place in his home country.

• One big question mark: Where will Pope Leo land on LGBTQ rights? History suggests he won’t be as progressive as his predecessor. In 2012, he scolded Western news media and pop culture that fostered “sympathy for beliefs and practices that are at odds with the gospel.” He called out the “homosexual lifestyle” and “alternative families comprised of same-sex partners and their adopted children.” That’s quite different from Pope Francis’s “Who am I to judge?” stance.

• Many people online believe Pope Leo is a “Never Trump” Republican, and MAGAworld is having a meltdown. “WOKE MARXIST POPE,” far-right lunatic Laura Loomer wrote on X. “Is it too much to hope that some 20-year-old ran the new pope’s X account and he never looked at it?” podcaster Megyn Kelly posted.

• Apparently, Trump hasn’t gotten the memo yet: “What excitement, and what a Great Honor for our Country. I look forward to meeting Pope Leo XIV. It will be a very meaningful moment!” he wrote on Truth Social. Vance echoed that message: “I’m sure millions of American Catholics and other Christians will pray for his successful work leading the Church. May God bless him!”

I hope that Leo is on social media today, because there’s no shortage of incredible jokes. “Chicago guy elected pope. No ketchup on hot dogs now canonical law,” one tweet reads. Another: “Deep Dish beat Pizzaballa.”

NEWS NEWS NEWS

Cameron Hamilton, acting head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, was pushed out of his role today — weeks before hurricane season is set to begin. The Trump administration has considered disbanding the natural disaster response agency. It’s unclear why he was ousted, but he told lawmakers yesterday that, “I do not believe it is in the best interests of the American people to eliminate [FEMA].”

Chinese leader Xi Jinping and Russian President Vladimir Putin condemned Trump’s tariff policies as “international bullying” in a meeting today. That’s pretty rich, when you think about it, considering one of these guys is still fighting an unprovoked invasion of a neighboring country (Ukraine). So you’re against *all* “international bullying,” Vlad?

The European Union unveiled a plan to counter Trump’s tariffs that includes $110 billion worth of tariffs on American products including meats, bourbon, sewing machines and airplane parts and car parts. Welp, hope they like Slovakian bourbon.

On that note, Trump touted a “full and comprehensive” trade deal with the United Kingdom today, the first deal he has made since tariffing the entire world. But U.K. officials say that some of the details still need to be finalized, so it’s hardly as “comprehensive” as Trump says. Asked about that discrepancy, Trump said: “This is a maxed out deal that we’re going to make bigger.” That literally is not what “maxed out” means!

Trump tapped health influencer Casey Means to be his nominee for surgeon general. After a reporter asked why Trump picked Means, who didn’t finish her residency and isn’t a practicing physician, he responded: “Because Bobby thought she was fantastic … I don’t know her.” In one of her blog posts, she described “how in an effort to find love in her mid-thirties, she created a shrine where she prayed to her ancestors for guidance, performed ‘full moon’ ceremonies, did mushrooms, and literally spoke to trees on solo hikes,” Rolling Stone writes. So she thinks Americans should find love with magic mushrooms under the full moon? Kinda rad tbh… but weird coming from the surgeon general.

FBI Director Kash Patel showed up to an FBI budget hearing on Capitol Hill today… without next year’s budget. Patel acknowledged that he’s required by law to have a budget, but simply responded “no,” when asked if he has a timeline. We’ve all been there!

A mother and two children, both U.S. citizens, were deported to Mexico, an attorney who spoke with the family told the Dallas Morning News. “They had no due process whatsoever,” the attorney said. “It just goes to show that this administration feels that it can deport U.S. citizens whenever it wishes and however it wishes.”

Trump ditched Ed Martin as his nominee to be U.S. attorney for Washington, D.C. “We have somebody else that we’ll be announcing over the next two days who’s gonna be great,” Trump said. Can’t be hard to find someone better than the Russian state media star who described the Capitol riots as “Mardi Gras”!

Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) is in the spotlight again for questionable behavior at a meeting with union leaders last week: “Fetterman began repeating himself, shouting and questioning why ‘everybody is mad at me,’ ‘why does everyone hate me, what did I ever do’ and slamming his hands on a desk,” the Associated Press reports. This comes after a damning New York Magazine profile about his health.

Billionaire Bill Gates accused Elon Musk of “killing” children by cutting USAID, which provided assistance to poor countries around the world. “The picture of the world’s richest man killing the world’s poorest children is not a pretty one,” he said.

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