GO BROKE, GET WOKE

Donald Trump blinks on China tariffs, and Elon Musk says he’s backing away from DOGE. What changed their minds? Apparently, an economic thumpin’.

• President Donald Trump likes to thunderously insist that he’ll never back down — until he does. Case in point: Yesterday, Trump promised not to play “hard ball” with China on tariffs. With the snap of his grubby fingers, the president reversed course on one of his top priorities. One report said he may cut the comically insane 145 percent tariffs on China in half. He also promised not to fire Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell — after angrily threatening to do just that. Why? His top aides urged him to chill out.

• On the same day, First Buddy Elon Musk demoted himself to First Guy Trump Kinda Knows, after his electric carmaker, Tesla, announced a 71 percent drop in first-quarter profits. Musk pledged to back away from his so-called “Department of Government Efficiency” next month and focus on his day job.

• Markets cheered Trump’s reversal, and Tesla’s stock rallied. Investors and the American public hate Trump’s tariff war. Trump’s economic approval rating recently fell to just 37 percent, according to a new poll. They also despise his attacks on the Federal Reserve, which is seen as one of the last, best guardrails against Trump, who some businessmen think might literally be insane. (I’m hearing that the penguins he tariffed also believe he’s cuckoo bananas.)

What inspired these reversals? Money talks. These billionaires listened.

• At first, Trump bashed anyone who worried he might tank the markets. But it soon became clear that his rash decisions could lead to a Trump Recession. The CEOs of big box retailers Walmart, Target and Home Depot warned Trump of “empty shelves” this week, according to Axios. Suddenly, Trump tossed his own bluster down the memory hole — at least until his next unpredictable mood swing.

• Musk seems to be reacting to a nasty market jolt, too. He blamed Tesla’s drop in profits on the tariffs and his own unpopular politics. “I encourage people to look beyond the bumps and potholes of the road immediately ahead of us,” Musk told investors on an earnings call. Hitting spike strips… before spiraling out of control, lighting on fire, and falling off a cliff seems like the more fitting metaphor here.

• There’s a big lesson here: These rich dudes hate it when the market smacks them. Trump can bully Wall Street tycoons and foreign countries — but he can’t bully reality. And sometimes, reality bites.

Crooked’s Jon Lovett often points out that Trump does respond to incentives, despite mythmaking to the contrary. This week provides a strong case in point.

MAKE AMERICA PREGNANT AGAIN

Donald Trump wants to convince people to have more kids by handing out wads of cash. New data shows that young people just ain’t interested.

The far-right desperately wants Americans to make babies and boost the birth rate, which has fallen to a historic low. It’s known as the pronatalism movement, which has gained momentum over the past year.

“Let me say very simply: I want more babies in the United States of America,” Vice President JD Vance said in January. Lol, yes, couldn’t say it more simply than that! Meanwhile, tech weirdo Elon Musk, who has reportedly fathered at least 14 kids, warned that declining birthrates are “a much bigger risk to civilization than global warming.” Trump once said he’ll be known as “the fertilization president.” (Sorry, just baby barfed writing that sentence).

How does Trump intend to claim that extremely unsettling title? Proposals floated to the White House include reserving prestigious academic fellowships for people with children, educating women on their menstrual cycles — and even writing a $5,000 check to mothers after delivery… because, apparently, even having babies should be treated like a business transaction.

But most members of Gen Z — which is often labeled as the loneliest generation — say they aren’t interested in becoming parents. Only 48 percent of young Americans say that having kids is important to them, according to Harvard Institute of Politics’s annual youth poll released this morning.

That’s a “generational shift,” according to the poll — and it aligns with Gen Z’s other pessimistic views. Just 15 percent of young Americans believe the country is headed in the right direction, and 16 percent say they’re doing well financially.

Would $5,000 change their minds? I dunno… especially considering the insanely high prices of childcare, housing costs, and groceries. That’s like, three cartons of eggs!

NEWS NEWS NEWS

Donald Trump’s top aides bailed on Russia-Ukraine peace talks today, after Ukraine pushed back on the U.S. proposal to give Russian dictator Vladimir Putin part of the country. Giving up the territory of Crimea has always been a non-starter for Ukraine: “This is our territory … This violates our constitution,” President Volodymyr Zelenskyy said yesterday.

The National Institutes of Health will pull data from Americans’ private medical records as part of its controversial plan to find the cause of autism, NIH Director Jay Bhattacharya told experts this week. Thanks, Trump and RFK Jr. — I feel safer and healthier already!

Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly spent thousands of dollars on a makeup studio near the Pentagon press briefing room, so he can look chic on TV. This actually makes him more efficient at his job, so it totally aligns with DOGE! Thank you for your service, Mr. Secretary!

Some of Trump’s top advisers are considering whether the White House should push for a higher tax on billionaires for the next fiscal year, the Washington Post reports. That proposal has faced pushback from Republicans on Capitol Hill, but MAGA Godfather Steve Bannon believes the higher tax rate would help “defang Democratic attacks on the GOP as the party of the rich,” the outlet writes. “It sounds like Bernie Sanders economics,” one economist noted. Keep up the good work, Steve!

On that note, the 19 wealthiest households in America gained $1 trillion in wealth last year, according to new data. That’s more value than Switzerland’s economy! In one year, total wealth for the richest 0.00001 percent jumped to $2.6 trillion, the biggest single-year increase in recorded history. And Trump’s only offering $5,000 for people who have kids? Make it $5 million and I’ll consider it.

Sen. Dick Durbin (D-IL), the No. 2 Democrat in the Senate, announced that he’ll retire at the end of this term. “I know it’s time to pass the torch,” the 80-year-old lawmaker said. Come on Barack Obama, get back in there!

The European Union fined Apple $570 million and Meta $228 million for breaking its new rulebook on digital regulations. Apparently, Meta was fined for making users pay for ad-free versions of Facebook and Instagram. I didn’t even know that existed! Once, I got a targeted Facebook ad for a restaurant, one hour after I had eaten there… and it showed a picture of the booth I was sitting in. No thank you.

Hegseth recently reassigned Chief of Staff Joe Kasper… and some Pentagon employees allege that the dude behaved like an annoying teen boy during important meetings. “Can I just tell everyone around this table that I just took an enormous shit right before coming in here?” Kasper said during a meeting, two attendees told Politico. One official’s reaction: “People were like, ‘What? Like, this is a business meeting.” Kasper claimed the story was taken out of context. (My dude… what could possibly have been the right context?)

The Food and Drug Administration is warning about the side effects of popular hair-loss drugs marketed by Hims, Keeps and Ro. These telehealth companies push a topical spray that can cause “erectile dysfunction, anxiety, suicidal ideation, brain fog, depression, fatigue, insomnia, decreased libido and testicular pain,” the FDA warns, citing reports. I’d rather lose all my hair, thank you very much.

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