BAR THE GAETZ

The end of Matt Gaetz’s unholy bid for U.S. attorney general serves as a timely reminder that while Donald Trump won the election, he won’t get away with all his terrible ideas. Trump’s now pushing Florida’s former AG, Pam Bondi, instead.

• In the end, Matt Gaetz’s doomed campaign to become America’s top law enforcement official lasted less than one Scaramucci, the 11-day period derisively named for Anthony Scaramucci’s comedically short term as President-elect Donald Trump’s former White House communications director in 2017. The Florida MAGA Man, who was investigated for potential sex trafficking and possibly sleeping with a 17-year-old (although he repeatedly denied it and was never charged), was the most outrageous of Trump’s clown car full of oddball cabinet choices. What’s more, his fellow Republicans on the Hill hated him, which never helps.

• After talks with lawmakers on Capitol Hill this week, Gaetz quit abruptly: “It is clear that my confirmation was unfairly becoming a distraction to the critical work of the Trump/Vance Transition,” Gaetz wrote on X this afternoon. He came to the decision after concluding that too many senators were totally against his nomination, the New York Times reports.

• Trump’s attempt to push scandal-plagued, inexperienced cabinet nominees through the senate has been widely seen as an early test of his second-term powers. After all, if he can take a guy out from under investigation by the Department of Justice, and put him in charge of the place, couldn’t he do anything? Instead, Trump notched the first big failure of his new term (don’t worry, there will be many more…). Trump fought the system, and lost. As journalist Ken Klippstein put it: “Gaetz’s withdrawal is an object lesson in a simple fact: even a president like Trump can’t be a dictator.”

Moments ago, Trump named Pam Bondi, former attorney general of Florida, as his next choice to be America’s top cop.

• Bondi has been a close Trump ally for years, and was floated as a possible AG during Trump’s first term. She’s a fierce Trump loyalist, perhaps best known for the time when, as state attorney general, she opted not to join a lawsuit against Trump University… shortly after a political group backing her received a $25,000 donation from a Trump family foundation.  At the 2016 Republican National Convention, she led “lock her up chants” aimed at former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and then went on to support Trump’s bogus voter fraud claims about the 2020 election. Lately, she’s led the legal arm of the Trump-aligned think tank, the America First Policy Institute. As if all that weren’t enough, she’s also been curiously friendly with Scientologists? In short: another weird ultra-loyalist bent on political retribution!

• Gaetz’s demise raises fresh questions about the fate of Trump’s other scandalous choices. Fox News host Pete Hegseth, the defense secretary pick, is currently under the microscope for sexual assault allegations (which he denies). Linda McMahon, the education secretary pick, was accused in a recent lawsuit of enabling the sexual exploitation of children by a WWE employee (which she, too, denies). Anti-vaxxer Robert F. Kennedy Jr., the health and human services secretary pick said he believes in chemtrails, suggested the U.S. government planned the covid pandemic, and has a well-known and bizarre obsession with roadkill.

The question becomes whether Gaetz turns out to be an isolated one-off, or signals more trouble ahead for Trump’s other disreputable nominees.

THAT’S BANANAS!

Behold, the $6 million banana: Believe it or not, it’s yet another sign of Donald Trump’s America. Hear me out.

A cryptocurrency investor paid $6 million last night for an art installation, which is really just a banana duct-taped to a wall. So how does that relate to Trump? Well, the crypto industry unapologetically backed Trump’s campaign for office this time around, supporting him with millions of dollars, banking on him following through on promises to bolster the digital assets and the online platforms where they’re traded.

It’s now looking like the president-elect will return the favor. Trump’s team is reportedly discussing creating the first-ever position in the White House solely dedicated to crypto policy, vetting candidates for the job. He promised to fire the crypto-skeptic chair of the Securities and Exchange Commission on his first day in office. What’s more, Trump reportedly paid for burgers at a New York bar recently with bitcoin.

Things could hardly be better for investors of the digital currency, which has lingered on the fringes of society for years. Bitcoin rose to a record high of nearly $100,000 today, continuing its meteoric rise over the past two weeks, in which its value had skyrocketed 40 percent.

Get ready for more weirdos like the Winkelvoss twins to do strange shit, like spending millions to buy and eat old bananas.

NEWS NEWS NEWS

The International Criminal Court issued arrest warrants for far-right Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and former Defense Minister Yoav Gallant, alleging war crimes and crimes against humanity during the war in Gaza. The court also issued an arrest warrant for Hamas military chief Muhammad Deif, who Israel says it had killed in an airstrike.

Witnesses in Gaza are accusing Israel of using sniper drones to shoot civilians, as well as militants, NPR reports. “This is not, you know, an occasional thing. This was day after day after day,” a British surgeon said during testimony in front of the U.K. parliament last week.

Trump plans to issue a flurry of executive orders on his first day in office, including plans to restrict medical access for transgender military service members, end travel reimbursements for military members seeking abortions, and begin the mass deportation process, according to NBC News.

Trump also plans on reviving the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline on his first day in office, Politico reports. He reportedly believes it’ll help bolster his pro-oil message — even though no companies are currently trying to build the pipeline. Very logical!

The Illinois Supreme Court overturned actor Jussie Smollett’s 2019 conviction, saying that he shouldn’t have been prosecuted a second time after his charges had been dropped following a negotiated agreement. Smollett was charged for filing a false police report claiming he’d been the victim of a racist and homophobic attack, though law enforcement determined that he had staged the crime.

A Wisconsin man who faked his own death while kayaking to abandon his wife and children and escape to Europe told U.S. authorities — via video message — that he’s doing fine and fled for “personal matters.” I’m gonna start citing “personal matters” for any nonsense I get up to.

Lumen is the world’s first handheld metabolic coach. It’s a device that measures your metabolism through your breath. 

All you have to do is breathe into your Lumen first thing in the morning, and you’ll know what’s going on with your metabolism, whether you’re burning mostly fats or carbs.

Then the Lumen app gives you a personalized nutrition plan and suggestions for macronutrient amounts for that day based on your measurements.

Because your metabolism is at the center of everything your body does, optimal metabolic health translates to a bunch of benefits, including easier weight management, improved energy levels, better fitness results, better sleep etc. 

So, if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me/WAD to get 15% off your Lumen.